Tuesday, December 28, 2010
"You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end."
Sometimes people just move in and out of your lives without making any impact but at times within a short span of time the impact is so prominent that you just don’t want to let go of things no matter what. It had happened five years back in the new year’s eve of 2006 when I was a thirteen year old “Child”, naïve and unsure of everything I did. So, a New Year party seemed like a novelty when my mom decided to take me to one organised by one of her clients. Supposedly, this filthy rich guy from California had a very good way with people, which however did not fail to convince my mom to join in. That night turned out to be eventful indeed but it exposed me to certain feelings which changed my life forever.
31st December, 2005:
6 30 pm: Second day of *monthly sickness*. I felt an excruciating pain in my stomach as I stepped into the car having terrible premonitions of fainting on the dance floor.
7 30 pm: On my way to Debopom uncle’s fancy apartment at Ballygaunge. I was looking into the mirror, dabbing more and more lip gloss. I was somehow much more excited than I had expected myself to be. Quoting myself from a diary written a few months later,-“I somehow felt, I would meet someone who would steal my heart”. (Corny right? I know but then for someone whose idol was Shahrukh khan, these were the things you could expect most. )
8 00 pm: I am in the apartment (finally!) trying to adjust myself on the chair in a position which would cause the least amount of pain. Crowd??No crowd, just an empty place with plenty of heart-shaped balloons and disco lights (which were fortunately switched off).
8 30 pm: Still NO crowd and I had finally someone of my age to talk to. There was this girl who took care of Debopom uncle’s mother in whom I had found a friend. She was a simple sweet girl and since we had nothing to do, we played with the balloons till it was time for dinner.
10 30 pm: Finally some crowd had started pouring in but I was too tired to notice them anyways. I proceeded for dinner and finally felt happy on seeing my favourite dishes on the platter.
11 00 pm: I was busy munching a chicken piece when the music grew surprisingly loud. The song was “Ashique Banaya Apne”, remix version (remember Reshamiya was quite a rage back then?)I rushed outside to see what was happening. Two guys, a few years elder to me were dancing to the track accompanied by whistles, hooting and what not. One of them grabbed my attention immediately and for the rest of the night, I just could not move my eyes from him. He wore black-rimmed spectacles and was very fair. He was not exactly what you could “handsome” but there was this air about him which irrevocably drew me towards him. He wore black trousers, a black shirt and a black blazer which sharply contrasted his complexion. I knew absolutely nothing about him, in my heart I knew it was sheer foolishness but then I tried to hold on to the moment by just looking at him noticing everything. From how he smiled to the way he held his drink and so on and forth. Time passed but I had lost count of it…….
There was this lady who sat next to me and passed out in the chair itself and fell with a loud thud. However, the noise got drowned in the loud music played in the background and nobody seemed enthusiastic enough to even notice her plight (not even that lady herself!).Suddenly someone came from behind to help her out and without any doubt it was the same person whom I “fell” for. After that he came and sat next to me. I could literally feel the Goosebumps on my skin then. Surprisingly, he initiated the conversation and asked me my name and then introduced himself. After talking for a while he joined his friends and I knew for a fact that I had just witnessed something which exposed me to an array of emotions which I could not question or understand. Later that night we were on way to an ice-cream parlour and he happened to sit beside me in the car. Unfortunately, the parlour was closed and our parents decided to part for that night. Thus, that eventful night came to a close but I knew for a fact that it was the end to a new beginning, as it was the blossoming of new found love in my heart.
Sadly, I had no idea something as divine as love could have its own terms and conditions. I had no clue that my affection for someone could be misunderstood as “precocious nature” of a teenager having “hormonal changes”. Anyways, for the next two months we were out of contact although I knew my brother had his phone no. It was finally in the month of March, when my annual exams were over that I decided to give him a call. He seemed like his normal self when we first spoke but I was foolish enough to test his patience by asking him silly questions (which seemed very sensible back then) and messaging him through the entire day. After a few days he called up my brother saying that I was like his “sister” and he was unable to understand why I behaved the way I did. After getting a terrible scolding from my brother I promised myself that I will never try to contact him.
In the span of five years it has so turned out that I am not too good with keeping my word as I did try to get in touch with him off and on. However this time I took a different route of social networking commonly called as Facebook. He still is a part of my friend list but sadly, has never encouraged much of a conversation with him. I have realized that I am unwanted in his life but I am yet to make piece with that piece of fact. It is just so difficult to not have feelings for a person in spite of knowing that he can never reciprocate the desired feeling. Nevertheless, he daunting absence inspired me to write, and today as I type these words memories of that day keeps reappearing in my mind. I keep comforting myself by saying that some things are meant to be short and precise but that does not, in any way change the way you feel about people or yourself. From my experience I have learnt one thing, two actually. Firstly, to not cling on to people who do not value you as a person and second being to never compromise my self respect. In these five years I have witnessed my growth as a person, and it’s surprising to realize how I have been there for myself, when nobody actually bothered to even ask me how I was. Lastly quoting Mariah Carey-“"It's a long road when you face the world alone, when no one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within your soul, and the emptiness you felt will disappear."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
“I remember falling off the road while walking, with a sudden thud. My friend tried to catch hold of me but it was already too late, too late for me choose a different lane or even think of standing up for myself. He did what he had to and within a snap of a second that scum of a guy was gone. He almost vanished into the thin air after scarring me for life.”
As a fourteen year old I was clueless about my next move. “Should I report to the police or talk to my mom first?”-I wondered. But due to a sudden upturn of events I ended up doing nothing really to make myself feel better. Letting my mom know about it would mean that she would become sad and over protective about me which I obviously did not want. And the police possibly could have ignored me as a precocious little chap, trying to make my presence felt. So, I tried to forget about that incident. Although I failed miserably, some questions came up which made me try and see things in a different light altogether.
In spite of being a hardcore feminist I tried to think about the person who allegedly tried to take advantage of my situation. Somehow I felt that there is a story behind the making every accused, every criminal. I mean think about it, even the ones who proclaim that they do “It” just for fun must have their own reasons to invade someone’s personal space. Anything or anyone like a super nagging ex-girlfriend who never really liked him and chose someone else over him because he just wasn’t “Man” enough. The guy is enraged and because he can’t obviously do anything to change the past he goes and abuses a random girl to prove that himself to someone who obviously doesn’t give a damn anyways. The role of the girlfriend is passed on to family members (brother, mother, father) or a “Close” buddy from time to time. However although no one notices, the extent of damage caused is beyond measure. And the only justified way of taking all that anger and frustration out is to harm an unknown person whose life just never remains the same again. In the end, No one really cares, except for the guy who does not regret his decision but is not happy either. The girl cries her way to sleep wakes up in the middle of the night and does not feel at ease with a male company for a long time (even if it does not show on her face).
So what could possibly be the solution or is there any solution at all? If we were to stop this thing, the initiative must begin at a nascent stage but mostly we are not in control of the kind of people we meet and who influence us (knowingly or unknowingly). Let’s face it, we humans are not even remotely close to perfect, we let the wrong people hurt us and after that we don’t know what to do. However, it does not mean that we can’t try. I am not saying that self control comes easy but it is worth the effort. If we start reciprocating hatred then what is the need of commitments and relationships anyways? Lastly we should take chances, in love, life and relationships and try and forgive people no matter what their fault is. “To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
Thursday, November 25, 2010
One of my friends pointed out a few days back that my blog kind of talks about everything but me. He said that people might be really eager to know about the one who has been blabbering around, well yeah, but has not really taken out the time (!) to talk about herself.
Firstly, I am extremely romantic. I know every teenager tends to make this stereotypical comment but I am seriously one heck of an emotional fool. I really do think that love can make miracles happen. I really do believe that feeding a stray dog makes my day. I love children and I would want to own a horse someday. I don’t really listen to music that much, but the songs I love, I know them by heart. I can’t dance for nuts, I mean seriously even a grasshopper would swing his arms and legs better. Even as an eighteen year girl (lady, WOO-man, teenager, *blah*) I love it when someone pulls my cheeks (although I don’t show it). I feel as if I am back to being a child again. At times, I end up speaking nonsense about people I don’t even know properly. Stuff like that can really make you guilty but realization always strikes late in my case, so much so that in 9 out of 10 cases I end up not talking to the person ever after. If I hate someone it shows on my face and I really suck at pretending or lying. Either I end up laughing or I get caught inevitably. If I am hurt by my friend’s action, I always prefer to make it clear that I don’t like what’s happening even at the cost of being misunderstood. Repetitive but yes I love love. I love the fact that when you are really into someone who stand by that person no matter what. I am okay with someone falling in and out of love because I would rather have my to be husband come and discuss his infidelity issues with me than anyone else. I am very forgiving only and only when the other person is honest with me. Some of my friends have issues being liked by a guy whose feelings they fear to reciprocate. I personally don’t see the point in refraining from what we would really want to do. Should melancholy stop us from being what we want to be? Should our past haunt us every time we are trying to take an initiative? I know it’s easier said than done but prevention is never the cure.
Anyways getting back to what I was talking about, I would want to /love to become a writer someday. Someone whose prose may not be the most popular one but it is something which almost everyone can connect to and draw inspiration from. I want to take my parents on a world tour because they love travelling. I hope bozo gives birth soon so that I finally become a grandma. I despise people who drink and smoke(Don't ask me why!). What else? Nothing else, I think I have written enough!Lastly-“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in life you will have been all of these.”
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
He was my teacher, Yes MY TEACHER. He taught me Maths but, MATHS and I kind of repel each other, so hatred came naturally when my Mom told me that I have a new tuition teacher. Okay! This person was way too different than what I had expected. He was around 6’4”, fair and too good looking to be a teacher in the first place. He had the most beautiful eyes ever but that did not help me hate him any less. Unlike most others he actually thought I was BRIGHT which irritated me further more. Although he was ten years older to me, he actually was a fun person to be around. Slowly I started confiding into him, things even my girlfriends did not know about me. It just came naturally you see. In a few months or so he knew about almost everything I knew about myself. I told him how I never got dates in High School because I was too good for anyone there. He knew how I had shunned myself off from people after being molested on the road once. He knew how badly I underestimated myself and gave into smoking and drinking in disgust. But one thing he did not know was how much I had started liking him and how much I would get hurt if I had to lose him to someone else.
Then came the day when he said that he could not teach me anymore as he was getting married and was shifting to someplace else. For a few days I was so filled with shock that I could not respond to anything happening around me. I skipped my university exams and drowned myself in booze. I was so drunk that I actually ended up being physical with a guy only to realize that after two months that I was pregnant. I felt that may be a baby would help people take me a bit more seriously but unfortunately that was never to happen. The person who supposedly was in LOVE with me denied to accept the child and told me to get him aborted. I threatened him by saying that if he did not do as I say; I will go straight to his parents.
It was My SIR’s wedding day and my mom told me to be back in time so that we can attend it. It was around seven at night when I was walking towards home, crying terribly wondering what I should do next. And then it happened, A jeep stopped right in front of me and before I knew anything I was amongst a bunch of hooligans who were tearing apart my clothes. Within moments I was naked in front of five strangers who took turns to rape me. There came a moment when I just could not cry anymore. I never lost my consciousness and I lay there numb and helpless. After a few hours when they were done with me they grabbed my hands and legs and pushed me outside the running car. I lay on the side of the road with my mind filled with more bruises than my scarred body. All I knew was that I wanted to die right there. I had caused enough shame to everyone and I did not deserve to live anymore……
I was awakened by water drops which fell on my cheeks. I opened my eyes and wondered whether it a dream I was seeing. My Sir was sitting beside me still dumbfounded with shock. He did not get married because of his father’s untimely death which is why my mother decided to bother him with the fact that I had not come home yet. A grown up man was crying in front of me and inspite of my bodily pain.I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
“Its Ok”-I said
“No its Not OK, It is just not ok, Do you get that?”-he shouted
He started sobbing once again as he picked up my lifeless self and drove me to the nearby hospital. My mother had fainted when she came to know of my condition and my father had not spoken for a month. I had specifically told that I wanted no visitors, especially not my parents because they can never bear to see me this way. But in spite of my pleas Rajeev (My Sir) came to see me. He sat there endlessly holding my hand and crying off and on. The child had to be aborted and the doctors had confirmed that I could not become a MOTHER again. Also he had serious doubts where I could walk in the near future. Life was bad but at least I had come to terms with it now. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, I had no clue how I would ever look into my parent’s eyes but somehow such excruciating pain made me braver. What I still could not understand is why Rajeev came to meet me every day. He read to me, brought flowers and his eyes never seemed to leave mine. I finally ended up asking him-“You know you really don’t have to waste your time by coming here everyday”
“Who says I waste my time?”
“I think you do”
“No, I don’t, but you still don’t get it do you?”
“That I know I am responsible for your condition now”
“What the...I mean NO...You are NOT…You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE..”
“Tell me honestly, were you ever in Love with me?”
“I know I was…I mean I am.”
I could not believe my ears.
“You..Me? You liked me? Why did you not tell me before?”
“My parents had fixed my marriage to a girl when I had turned eighteen. And..”
“You need not explain I understand, I mean I seriously do understand. You are free to marry whomever you want. It is your life ya”.
“If that is the case, then will you marry me?”
“Whaa…I mean No, never. Stop pitying me, I will stand on my own two feet, I don’t mean literally but still”
“I am not marrying because you might need me, I am marrying because I know I need you and I can’t live without you”
“Look YOU DON’T NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME. I can’t walk, I can never be a mother, and I can never be NORMAL again!”-I almost yelled out
“I was your teacher, and that is why I never told you about my feelings. Do you even realize the fact that one does not need reasons to like or not like a person, because Love just happens”-he replied quietly.
“I don’t know what to say. Look I am too plain..I am ugly…..”…..he put his hand on my mouth and made me swear that I will never say that again.
What does it mean to truly love someone? What does it mean to be there for a person no matter what? I don’t know, because I have never loved someone the way Rajeev loves me. For the past twenty five years he has been struggling to make ends meet, he has changed Jobs, we have changed houses but he never gave me a chance to complain. He takes me to new places; we go for walks (me on the wheelchair), try out new food and even go to the supermarket together. He helped me finish off with college and has been encouraging me to write a novel ever since. But when I started, I could not think of anything but my life and his, how unceremoniously we met but how we managed to have a life together. So this book is an autobiography, of my life, the life of a girl who was nothing extraordinary but is thankful for everything that has happened to her, because those were the things which made me become a better person today. Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart. The entire crowd started clapping after I finished my speech. It was my first book launch with my husband being the first one to buy the book….and now when I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
Monday, October 18, 2010
Is your skin’s melanin content remotely associated with your confidence level or your individuality for that matter? Ask the people from Fair and Lovely and they will tell you better. It has been a couple of decades since when such cosmetics have been brought into the market just to encash on people’s emotions and to convince them that just a mere change in complexion will provide them with the qualities they were supposedly devoid of.
The obvious question remains that does our social framework has anything to do with the kind of notions which develop in our minds regarding the advertisement of a particular product? And if the answer is yes, then how does it bring about such a radical change? The concept of fairness has struck a chord with the Indian population ever since the times when the British ruled over India. On being insulted day in and day out, something led us to believe that may be if we were fairer, our adaptability and popularity would increase amongst our rulers. But that was quite unlikely the case as Indians still continue to be treated unjustly in abroad on similar grounds. More often than not, the Fair and Lovely ads are quite stereotypical which mostly shows a girl trying to impress a boy but fails miserably as she is not beautiful. Then comes a miraculous fairness cream which takes away all her problems and gets her the boy as well. This girl is the “supposed” embodiment of every Indian woman but sadly fairness is not a synonym for beauty; it never was and never will. These advertisements have affected the Indian population so much so that every single matrimonial ad has the word FAIR as an important criterion. These days such products have been even brought out for males to emphasize on the fact that we are never happy with what we have. But does a minor change in skin colour actually help us climb up to the upper notches of the social ladder. Does it keep us happy for the rest of our lives or provide us with the much needed social security?
As Bob Dylan has once said-“The answer is blowing in the wind”. One might say, it’s not me, it is the society but it is the little drops of water which makes the mighty ocean. Americans may be fond of a tan and Indians might be obsessed with white skin but that should not, in any way stop us from being what we want to be. A commodity might be hugely popular but that should not interfere in your process of growing up. Social structures are made and broken but it affects our line of thinking which remains the same forever. I would like to end by saying that a society inspires the media to function the way it does ensuring that certain ideologies never go out of people’s mind. Mere discussions won’t help as we need to take this forward. Quoting George Gillespie -“Reformation ends not in contemplation, but in action.”
Sunday, October 10, 2010
An effort to explore the both sides of a coin.......
I remember rushing out of Rajeev’s Apartment in anger but I still don’t remember why I was in such a mood.I was dead drunk trying to make my way to my PG at the dead of the night. I was so stoned that I could barely walk. Before I could realize I stumbled and tripped across the subway stairs. I don’t really recollect what happened next……
I was blinded by scorching white light when I first opened my eyes and it was then I first saw her. She was too plain to even be a nurse. Her hair was neatly tied and her face was pale. She was nowhere close to kind of girls I dated and there was this look in her eyes, a look of concern and that of anxiety which made me feel alive inspite of all the body pain which held me to the hospital bed. She used to come every day, bring me flowers and cards which she made herself. We talked about a lot of things apart from ourselves which is why I don’t even know her name. I longingly waited for her on the day of my release but she was nowhere to be seen. All I got was a note of her saying-“It was a pleasure knowing you. Keep safe and take good care of yourself.”…………….
All I knew was that I had never seen anything so beautiful. All I knew that he was in pain and needs immediate help. I remember begging for help in order to take him to the hospital. It was not before an hour and half when I finally succeeded in my endeavour. I came everyday to see him. I remember touching his wounds in anguish, I remember flinching in his sleep. His entire face was bruised but he still managed to look divine. Inspite of being in intense agony he was an epitome of hope in my lonely life. For an entire week I spend most of time sitting beside his hospital watching him go to sleep. I felt that if he was by my side nothing could ever go wrong.
It was not before the day of his release that reality struck me. I was not some college cheerleader or the daughter of a millionaire….I was not even the kind of girl, a guy would introduce to his friends. I was just plain and reserved and nothing changes that…Not even the prospect of new found love. I knew that I was not strong enough to stand against a heartbreak….I knew that I could never curb anyone’s existence just because I could not get used to changes.
And so I left. His image comes back to me off and on to make me realize that love is not always about a lifetime of togetherness but about certain moments. Moments which keep you alive, moments which tell you to never give up on love come what may……I still hope that I will get to see him someday but then again the course of love never did run smooth, and never will.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
As time passes by one learns to adapt, grow and move in and out of situations which control's one life. Before I stepped out of my home, people were doubtful...Of my merits, my ambitions and were in constant check to see whether I give my on my idea of living my life the way I want to. So about a few hours before my 18th birthday I would obviously not talk about such insignificant hurdles but would love to thank those people who made this LIFE possible for me, people who never gave up on me, people who believed that I was capable of making miracles (in my own little way) and people who love me inspite of my imperfections and shortcomings.
Firstly,Ma and Baba ,I owe you my life and I can never thank you enough for making me a part of this beautiful world.Ma,you have been my biggest inspiration,you have managed your profession and home effortlessly and always taught me to uphold my values no matter what. I miss watching television with you, fighting for the remote, telling you about things which bother me and also ones which brought a smile on my face. I miss my shopping sprees with you and gorging on the food you made. Most of all I miss hugging you while I am asleep; I miss that smile on your face when you would wake me up every morning. I love you MOM and would like to apologize for the times I have hurt you. My DAD is the most awesome guy ever. I mean he tops exams even at the age of 50.He tells me I have inherited my love for reading and music from him (and blames MOM for my laziness and anger..:P).I could talk to my dad about anything and he knows the answer..Phew!!Baba is perhaps the most knowledgeable person I have ever come across(Our director doesn't quite stand a chance in front of him..;)Next comes DADA...My best friend and Agony Aunt..(Oops make that Uncle). My brother and I are exact opposites. He is calm and composed one while a lone lizard can make me go nuts. He is funny and handsome while I am...*blah*.My brother can just see me or hear my voice to realize that I am in quite a "State". He has been my consistent driving force and has always given me the space to do my thing. We can fight like cats and dogs but the mutual love and respect can never decline.
The last few people came into my life at a later stage but nevertheless they managed to create quite an impact. Bozo (The LOVE OF MY LIFE) is my little puppy who has stood by me no matter what. She shouts on MA and BABA whenever they scold me and has always been there when I fell ill or upset especially when there has been NO one at home. Bozo is an integral part of my life,the person(Yes you read it right),the person who taught me that you need not speak in order to spread Love, because most of the times when your action does the trick. Last but not the least my school and my teachers because of whom I am here today. Especially Miss Madhumita and Mrs Mahapatra who kept faith in me when I could not do the same for myself. Thank you Miss Mahapatra for teaching me not just Maths but about how to keep hope even in difficult times and for treating me with the most amazing food ever. Miss Madhumita, you are my Guardian angel, thank you for encouraging me to keep writing and reading even when times weren't that great. Thank you for being by my side when I needed someone to talk to....I still remember your last words-"You deserved it”. I owe every bit of my achievements to you.
For the others...this blog might sound repetitive but before taking a step into adulthood this was my only chance to relive my childhood once again..On this occasion I remember this thing my Uncle had told me on my 15th birthday...”Deher boish barche baruk, mober boish ke barte deo na". (Let your body grow and mature but don't let your Mind follow the same)..
Thursday, September 23, 2010
A woman is someone who loves you eternally and expects nothing in return. A woman is in that little girl who has been married off by her parents since she was incapable of providing any monetary benefits. A woman is the one who hides her face in shame after being raped by the local goon as if it was all her fault. A woman is the same lady whom you meet as your mother, teacher, guide, mentor never realizing that those bruises under her eyes were not because of inadequate sleep but due to her moody husband who thinks his wife to be nothing but the vending machine of every frustration in his life.
A woman is supposed to do the household job, manage the kids, attend to your guests and maintain stability in her professional front as well. She does everything to the best of her abilities but you still feel she is at fault, so much so that you could slice her down with your words or actions. The next morning you wake up to find your breakfast on time as if nothing has gone wrong, which serves as a misconception to a lot of men who think of their wives as nothing but a puppet in their hands whom they can manipulate and control the way to want to. However Domestic violence does not only happen to adults. Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 reports knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend, and approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Although males are also subjected to domestic violence but such cases are extremely rare. Some believe that domestic violence is a result of the drifting mindsets of the people of the 21st century which is certainly not the case. For years women have been dominated by their male counterparts as if they did not possess an individuality of their own. This phenomenon continued ages after ages only because women themselves were unsure of their potentials and capabilities. It’s only in the 20th century when the women of our country rose to being not just educated but also working members of their families. Such an exposure made them realize that a relationship grows on the base of mutual understanding and love and certainly not on compromise and disrespect. So what is the reason for such an inhuman behaviour and what kind of pleasure can one possibly get but hurting the person he is intended to live the rest of his life with? The U. S. Office on Violence against Women (OVW) defines domestic violence as a "pattern of abusive behaviour in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner". The definition adds that domestic violence "can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender", and that it can take many forms, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, economic, and psychological abuse. In some cases even the child witnessing domestic violence grows up with several mental setbacks which even psychologists are unable to comprehend and cater to. Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars as it is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return.
So what is the solution or is there any solution at all? People are slowly coming out of their closet and trying to decipher the ways and means to get rid of this social trauma. Along with government policies several campaigns like the Bell Bajao Campaign are initiatives made by the people for the people to stand up for each other’s rights. However every change has to begin at the elementary level that is at an individual level. Only if we believe in ourselves we can help affect the society for the better. Rapid developments keep occurring in urban sectors but what about rural places where domestic violence is almost the way of life. How can a psychologist help a woman who has resigned to the fate of being tortured by husband day in and day out? The answer does not lie in expensive treatments but in being able to connect to human beings around us. Sometimes a simple touch, an act of kindness opens up a person to talk about things they could have never thought of before. Domestic Violence needs to be dealt with compassion and kindness rather than hatred or malice. Last but not the least one should never give up on themselves as, when the world says, "Give up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
Saturday, September 4, 2010
"Cute guy Cute Guy,where art thou?
Cute guy Cute Guy,did you pass by now?"
A couple of days back I left aside all my assignments and started watching this movie called-"He is just not that into you".I could immediately connect to the movie because there has been about a zillion times when "He was just not that into me".I mean what is wrong with all the cute fellas of this earth??It always the same reaction.You spot the guy,you find him walking towards you,you feel your cheeks flush as you grow increasingly conscious of his close proximity and as your eyes are closed expecting to witness a miracle you find him walking away in the most blatant manner possible. "DAMN"-at least that my first reaction when something of that sort happens.You feel like such a loser,even in your own eyes.It was when I was saw Kiki (or whatever her name was)that I realized that may be MAY BE I wasn't the only sadist soul on this planet.On wondering further more I wonder as to why I am craving for such momentary attention?How does it even matter?I am not going to end up having a relationship with him for God's sake!I always seem to forget that it takes so much more than just looks to sustain a relationship.Can I be happy with a Guy who is a some supermodel but doesn't care a shit about me?NO,I can't and answer doesn't change in this lifetime or in some other. Being single gives me the freedom to perceive things in the most optimistic way possible.Every time I see a guy and girl I feel they are "MADE FOR EACH OTHER",but reality is a different story altogether.
Well,I might sound repetitive but my teenage years have taught me to never compromise on my self-respect.Life will never be easy, but if someone hurts you deliberately you have no choice but to move on.Cute guys MEET Cute girls and are happily married ever after only in movies and novels (No wonder they are called FICTION).WE humans have a lot of ISSUES, there is no point in denying them when there is an option of sorting things out.Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.But I believe that True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Even a few months back I could not have believed that someone like me can have such a change of mind. I used to enjoy reading love stories and watching movies of the same genre. For those brief time spans I would be transformed to the leading lady who is coincidentally very beautiful (both inside and outside) and some random guy would be my prince charming. And by the way even he is supposed to be dashing with a terrific sense of humour. He says he loves me from the very moment he had first set his eyes on me but also clarifies that I am (undoubtedly) the best thing that has ever happened to him. Which means that he (thinks) he loves me because of the kind of person I am but actually I happen to be the hottest girl he has ever met? How ironic can that possibly be!!
Needless to say that throughout my teenage (which is not over yet) I kept on believing that someday someone will come. I kept on thinking about it till I realized that I had been too naive to try and differentiate between fiction and fact. My ignorance had left quite a bad taste since I have had sky high expectations about people whom I thought I was in love with. I have been verbally molested and my self respect has been put to question numerous times.Every time I found myself contemplating about it I questioned-“Did I really deserve this?” Whenever things did not turn out quite right I would go back to thinking about my dream man and imagine about his reactions IF he would have been by my side. The fact remains that most of such thoughts are an extension of my personality. That is I want my life partner to react in a manner similar to mine which is actually NOT possible.
I find myself growing out of the concept of Love for reasons I am not quite sure of. I have become cynical and impatient and I hate to see myself like this. I am not desperate but I feel that life could have been much simpler if I could share it with someone. Someone with whom I can laugh and cry someone who could put me at ease no matter what. It feels enormously frustrating to keep things bottled up, to fake a smile even if you feel like bursting into tears. By Love I don’t mean by running around trees or talking on the phone for hours, Love is to understand and to be understood. Love cannot be demanded, you either have it or you don’t. Love is pragmatic and inspiring; I can’t merge Love into romanticism because Love is in being responsible and honest. Like Erich Segal had famously said-“Love means never having to say you are sorry.” because when you look into the eyes of the lover and see those tears whom he profusely tries to hide you realize that you could not have had things done otherwise.
Monday, August 23, 2010
By now everyone(I mean most of them)in college knows that I am a sentimental bloke.I start crying even during the screenings of Planet Earth!!Anything which is remotely kind or passionate puts my tear glands to work then and there.I cry while reading books,watching movies,sharing a sad affair of my life with my friend and the list simply goes on and on.The first time I held a roadside puppy in my arms I cried,when I am very happy I cry.Its more of a routine now and I just can't do away with it,somehow.
For me shedding tears does not epitomize weakness,instead it helps me be myself for a change.It helps me connect to myself,understand myself better.There is nothing wrong in having an outburst of emotions,I mean it is just a part of life.I seriously despise people who think crying is a feminine phenomenon.I believe when a man is truly in love he cries,it makes him realize that he has finally found that someone whom he just cannot do without.Personally I can't bear the thought of people bothering me when I cry.These are the times I like being left alone because the people approaching me, do the needful out of pity and sympathy rather than concern.
It might sound weird,but I love crying.It cleans my eyes(:P)and helps me explore the human in me.Crying puts me at ease when I am terribly sad or utterly disgusted.Its almost therapeutic.So my advice to everyone remains that crying is the best way to heal all wounds hence cry if and when you want.Stop being conscious of the people around because they might mock you but somewhere down the line every jerk cries for something or the other.Feel free and don't let anyone's presence hamper your emotional needs and wants.Quoting Golda Meir-"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either."
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Independence Day??Is it different from any other day???Obviously it is!It a holiday for heaven's sake.A holy-day when we are meant to relax,hang out(!)with friends and do a host of other things except for realizing that Freedom is not actually not what we think it is. Freedom is not in having booze how and when you want just because you are not a minor anymore. Freedom is not in criticizing your country and your Government because you think they are useless.I mean seriously dude,look at yourself first.We are living in a country where we still find a mother selling her own child for a handful of rice, a husband torturing her wife just because she won't let him waste her earnings on liquor.And we find a bunch of rich brats who can insensitively comment-"Indian Music...ewwwww....I like Megadeth and Cradle Of Filth".If we are so dependent on western culture then how can we possibly think that we are the members of an Independent nation. A girl child being forced into marriage instead of completing her education is not what I call Freedom.A landlord sleeping with the farmer's wife in order to reduce his taxes is not being free.
The obvious question remains what is FREEDOM then?In spite of our country's progress why doesn't it do away with age old norms which do nothing but deter our course to becoming what our forefathers had dreamt for us? Freedom is in taking responsibility for the cause one truly believes.Freedom is in being brave not proud, courageous but not haughty. Freedom is in standing up and fighting for one's rights. Freedom lies in individuality and not in selfishness.As the youth of the Nation which prides in being able to hold up its traditions for years across we have to understand that if want to bring a change, we have to work for it first.As they say-"Be the change you want to see". The Government is doing what it can, but as citizens of INDIA we ought to take an initiative too.It can be anything starting from teaching your maid's daughter to cleaning the park near your house.If we as individuals take control then I believe nothing will ever be impossible.Quoting Dwight D. Eisenhower-"Freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men and so it must be daily earned and refreshed - else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die.".......
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Last year during this time,I was busy or rather pretending to be busy studying subjects I knew I had no future with.No matter what happened or how my day went,I was always keen on visiting the SIMC site at least once a day to ensure that I never let go of the dream which would redefine my life completely.Today it has been more than a month and I cannot help but notice that I could not have had things done otherwise.From Law to BA in English I kept my options as open as possible but I knew that would not take me an inch closer to what I had set to conquer.I must say that God has been very kind because many of my acquaintances who have been equally passionate were not selected.My so-called friends back home came to a conclusion that I am faking it all up because I was the last person they thought was capable enough to dream of something that BOLD and BIG.
When nothing worked one of them started spreading that I am not studying in the REAL SYMBIOSIS(wtf!).I cannot imagine the spite she had for someone like me who scored less than her throughout her school life but managed to soar high when the real test came to being.I still feel sad when I remember the shock in their eyes because I wanted them to be happy for me.Someone else at his insensitive best commented that-"Media is for losers" and that I was making the biggest mistake of my Life by not making a future out Physics,Chemistry and Maths.
Tomorrow is Friendship's day and instead of celebrating with my new friends I am sitting in my room,alone, writing about all my pent up feelings,feelings of remorse and of unhappiness.This Blog is specially dedicated to all the people who have been part of my not-so-happening life so far.The real courage does not lie in demeaning people or in claiming that you are better than them(which you may be)but in realizing that they are humans as well and they are in need of love and affection as much you do.The energy we waste in hating a person can be and should be used effectively to try to like someone instead.Lastly quoting from a song-"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, 'til I'm going to need somebody to lean on."
Saturday, July 10, 2010
If there is a heaven on Earth then I might as well say I am a part of it now and will continue to do so for the next 3 years.It is not just the place or the Institute it is the people of this place I have been surprisingly fond of.I remember feeling terribly homesick on a college day,so much so that I actually started crying in class.In the next momment i found my teacher hugging me tight.I had never felt such ease in a long,long,time.Our HOD keeps on threatning us,but his efforts show that he has best interests in mind,always.For the past two days I have not been keeping well and every time I am out of my class or even in the hostel corridors I have people coming upto me and asking me about my health.I have got lovely roomates,supportive friends and an amazing faculty to top it all.To someone who has not been exposed to this kind of lifestyle will never understand what I mean but the ones who have will always agree to what I have said.I just hope I can reciprocate such adulation with hardwork and perseverence.The road is long and arduous but this is my promise to all who have supported me during these few days that "I will never give up!"
Saturday, June 19, 2010
One senior had suggested to keep on checking my mails and remain positive.A week passed,still NO REPLY.It was then I decided to try my luck someplace else and I left for Dehradoon.
I returned yesterday only to find my computer out of order (Again!!).And today when I opened my mail box I was greeted with the most beautiful surprise of my life-"
June 19, 2010
Congratulations on being short-listed for the Batch of 2010-2013 of the Symbiosis Institute of Media & Communication – Undergraduate (SIMC - UG). Having successfully cleared the second phase of admission to our three-year full-time Bachelor of Media Studies programme you are on the threshold of an exciting career."
Needless to stay I am elated.What I feel now cant be explained in words.Leaving for Symbiosis on the 25th or 26th.Take care all.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.”
Who is GOD?Your Mom,dad?Your neighbor,friend,teacher or are you an ardent supporter of Idol Worship?Can you bribe(ahem!)him,hate him,love him and worship him him in the same lifetime?What do you call him??Bhagwan?God?Allah??For a devout Hindu like me,those questions seem to rise out of no where and yet make sense at the same time.On asking my elders (Yes!!I was actually foolish enough to do so)they accused me of being blasphemous so I have set out to find the almighty myself and these are my observations,so far:
1.God is in that old woman in rags who comes to you asking for help and blesses you inspite of being met with a cold shoulder
2.God is in that little child whose laughter makes your day.
3.He resides in that little puppy yelping for help on a cold night.
4.It often happens that while on a road you find someone smiling at you,later you realize that poor man is blind.turn back and look at him once again.You are bound to find God in him.
5.Last but not the least I have found God in myself.Although it did not happen when I shamelessly asked him to help me take my exam when I knew more than anyone else that I did not study anything but in my seventeen years I have seen good things happen only when I have put in that extra effort.Having faith in yourself matters more than anything else .Realizing your mistakes and working towards rectifying them is more important than remaining a supposed saint. I believe“If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.” Because whilst inventing him we would end up discovering ourselves.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I remember when I was a little girl,I loved dressing up.Irrespective of what I wore,I always thought that wearing a lil black bindi and having red lips were mandatory for looking pretty.Yeah!although it sounds like GROTESQUE I managed to end up looking irresistibly cute every time.Unlike most kids,I loved it when people came up to me and pressed my cheeks.Mom used to have real long hair back then and how I wished they were mine.So what I would do is,take a towel(aka gamcha) and a couple of hair clips and VOILA!!!!...........
Yeah!Childhood was INSANE!!But back then it all seemed so normal.I mean,I just despise wearing any kind of make-up now.My mom thinks that long hair would perfectly compliment the 5'7 " me,I thought short hair suited me much better.I had always been this timid yet amicable girl who could be easily influenced by anyone.Today that very girl has people coming upto her for seeking advice.Back then,it did not matter how girls around me used to look BUT NOW IT DOES,IT SOOOOO DOES.I always keep on telling my friends that I am happy the way I am,but secretly I comfort myself by saying-"Not everyone is a true judge of beauty".Lately i find anything and everything to fuss about but as a child I was believed to have been the reincarnation of Goddess Durga (P.S:I was born on the 5th day of Durga Puja).
Anyways childhood was fun and I hope that adolescence proves to be a blessing as well.Lastly,I just can't end this one without a lovely quotation by Robert Browning.So here it goes,
"Grow old along with me,
the best is yet to be"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Few weeks back most women were found to be single mindedly exlilarated about one thing-THE PASSING OF THE WOMEN'S RESERVATION BILL in Rajya Sabha.Now that the enthusiasm has finally died out something really significant has caught my eye.What on earth are we supposed to do with reservations when more than half of the population is unaware of what a bill actually means?Even though I am the only one who happens to be infuriated about such a thing,I know as a matter of fact that if things have to change it has to begin at the very grass root level.
More than anything else,reservation plain and simply means representation for those who are unable to stand up and fight for themselves.Reservation is NOT a SYNONYM for EQUALITY.IT NEVER WAS AND NEVER WILL.Now what do I want as a woman?I would gladly travel in a general compartment with my father;BUT I wont TOLERATE someone whistling at me while I am returning back home alone.Coming back to the point;Why does a woman always have to get up early and manage the household irrespective of any physical ailment she might be suffering from?Why don't we have a law/act preventing such a ruthless treatment?Although I severely deprecate smoking why does it become a TABOO only when a woman is found with a cigarette in her hand?EQUALITY,Did you say?
Marriages are made in heaven??DUhhh!!!The boy's family asks the girl-"Beti,What can you do apart from Singing, Dancing, Elocution,.......".Seriously,I feel like asking those morons,HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOUR OWN SON??He looks like clean-shaved Verappan,plus doesn't the girl have equal right to ask back as to what the guy is capable of?Even in case of Love marriages, the boy can even suffer from a imbalanced immunity syndrome BUT the girl has to be a VIRGIN!!
Why is a girl who has been mercilessly raped refused of a fair trial?Why for God's sake is she deprived of having a normal future having people pointing a finger at her every now and then?Tell me,Why is a woman expected to cooperate even when her husband is having this clandestine affair with his secretary?If Women were borkha why don't we have a similar substitute for men also(atleast then those ******** will understand what it feels like to be out in the scorching sun in such a tormenting attire)?Laaaast but definitely not the least what is the male version of a SLUT(Please someone throw some light and make me enlightened)?
The day you take care of the former the latter takes care of itself.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
Place-k.v Salt lake
Then:OMG!!What am i gonna do for three hours??(I found out real soon what I could do in those few hours!!)
People here are so devoid of common sense and they want to become ENGINEERS!!WOAH!!
I mean a guy sitting diagonal to me prefers writing on his lap than keeping the paper on the table and by the time reaches forty he is already a hunch-back!A girl sitting in front of me most joyously signs in the place allotted for the invigilator without even bothering to glance at the given paper.Another guy rubbed off his fingerprints (on the given sheet)with a cloth which was actually given to wipe his hands!!
I agree that Life is very short for everything to fall in place but ASK YOURSELF!!DO You want to spend the rest of your lives thinking what you do is best or doing what you think is best??
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
They say that there is no such thing called Dream Man.It is merely an adage invented by the music industry,chocolate and flower shop owners or even authors to keep their business going.Since I never gave into the monetary aspect of LOVE;such maxims don't bother me much.
I just looked at the star-lit sky yesterday and discovered something while my tear glands(duh!)were cleaning up my eyes.You know how it is said sometimes that two people often look at the same star,think ing about each other without even having the slightest hint about their existence?I just found out something more about it yesterday night.As the gentle wind caressed my face I felt that the “other” person was comforting me.A smile grew on my face in no time and even for a momment it did not occur to me as surreal or absurd.Two or three drops of water fell on my hands.But hey!I had stopped crying a few minutes back.So was he shedding tears this time?Had it been this difficult of him to watch me cry in the first place?I looked up and felt joyous,also I realized that that a SANE person could never have such sky-high(literally!!)expectations.
PJ’s have always been my forte so I tried cracking one.Just when I was in the middle of it my Mom came up to me and said-“Are you out of your mind or something?What on earth are you doing here at 2 30 in the morning??”
“ERRRrrr”-was all I could say.
I went back to bed contemplating as to why nature is considered as the epitome of all romanticism.In the arms of nature you don’t have to try hard or even be someone else to impress the one you love.You need not be mushy or over-enthusiastic,far-fetched or forlorn,even if most people do not agree to my perception,I can never forget last night when all my hearts desires found their culmination.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
He said-“In America, teachers and students are like buddies, but here teachers think that they know everything due to which they are unable to connect to their students”.Who cares?I do not mean to be disrespectful towards my new OH-SO-HOT English Teacher but we can’t afford to be bothering about things we can never change.”WE” have been long exposed to a certain way of teaching; so as students it is our duty to respect and imbibe whatever we are able to derive from the sacred student-teacher relationship.So,according to me it was inappropriate of him to pose a such a contradiction in front of students he was setting his eyes on for the very first time.Was he aware of the consequences?Was he remotely bothered that such a statement could lead a child to hate his/her country?
Another thing which I disliked about “That” man was that he was bent upon degrading Indians Languages.Superiority Complex had set in after all.He also finds great pleasure in imitating people who supposedly have a terrible accent.Quoting-“Hisssh p-a-r-form-a-n-c-e wa-ssh b-h-erry good”. I felt like handing over My Bengali poem book to him and make him read it out loud.At least then he could realize that there is both sides to the same coin.I mean DUDE,if you do not like this country no one is pressing you to stay here. You can sure as well return back to your own country. Every nation no matter how great or humble it might be, has its own history and it is not only unjust but highly dangerous to “Mislead” a bunch of high spirited teenagers to criticize their own country.
“JUSTICE”…you might as nonchalantly-“Yeh kis chiriya ka naam hai?”Is it in knowing that you have the power to affect a change or does it imply on upholding those values you have been brought up with?Is Justice laced with monetary garnishing s or is it your inner voice urging you to always stand up for what you believed in?
As impulsive as always I decided to give the Common law admission Test(CLAT).However It was during those two hours with Mr. Noshir Mehta, my English teacher, when I understood that law was much much more than having a fat pay cheque at the end of every month or shopping at Gucci and Prada. Once again we have two choices to consider. We could either be cold and manipulative and not let our emotional setbacks nail every chance of emotional prosperity OR we can just help that poor man out from being in his Master’s oppression and that little girl whose virginity has been excruciatingly ripped off from her delicate body.Does that timid yet contended smile of victory matter any less than coming first in class for the very first time or winning a race during the sports meet at school?
No,It doesn’t. I am not sure whether I would be able to crack CLAT or not, even if I do, I don’t know whether I would be actually studying law or not. But there is one thing I am positive about-I WILL ALWAYS SIDE THE TRUTH. No matter how absurd or illogical might it sound coming from a seventeen year old,but yes through my blog I solemnly promise to one and all to remain faithful and honest to myself and to the constitution of my country.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Then again i find them telling me that i am incapable of doing any good.I am tired of being everyone's venting machine. It is so difficult to stay alone at home home all day and then have your parents coming back only to shout their wits of at you. Its just that they never realized the troubles i have been facing growing up all by myself,having no one to talk to.At school,I was betrayed hurt and made fun of and at home,my sanity was put to test.Whoa!life could not have been better.
Love is a fanciful subject,but yet again i believe in it because i have been deprived of affection all my life. I often find myself standing in front of the mirror; talking to it; earnestly hoping that it would lend an arm and help me get through the mess called "LIFE".I love watching Disney, mommy tells me I am too old for it, then why does she suspect me of watching porn if i am old enough?? She thinks when she is away,I invite my "BOYFRIENDS" to come over.
I do wonder at times-"Is it so difficult to trust someone like me?Can't they accept me for who i am?And as far as guys are concerned-"Who would even like someone like me?" Someone who is apprehensive,timid and unsmart ,someone who is scared of letting anyone near her because she cannot afford to be cheated on?Once when i was romantically involved with a guy;one of his female friends had told him-"She will never be able to satisfy you physically,I mean have you looked at her,seriously!!".I never really knew people could be this sick,gosh!
Well!that is why I believe that daydreaming works best for me.I need not change because my loved ones are supposed to adore me for what i am than what i can become! And as far the cliched "perfect Man" idea is concerned..here goes my super cliched reply.."And one day he will come,i know he will!!"Someone who will be like a father when i am sick, a friend when i am distressed and a lover when i need a shoulder to cry on.Yeah!!A pathetic life does give you plentiful of reasons to hope.Although platonic love is a distant myth;I do wish for certain things to change in the future and change for the better.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Bye 4 nw.....AMritA
Monday, March 1, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
"Would you like some Tea?"
"Sure" said he.
She was busy preparing tea in the kitchen when two hands firmly yet gently settled themselves on her shoulders. When they tried to lower her sleeves she turned back,shocked.
Tashu closed her eyes and stood stolidly on the marble floor.She had always been an introvert and had no clue as to how she should react.Her clothes slipped off her body and she felt light as those very hands carried her back to the bedroom.Although she had a single bed,they both fit in it quite easily.He kissed her forehead,her nose,her cheeks,her neck but she did not budge an inch.
She had dreamt of this moment almost everyday since she had first seen him and now that it was happening she had suddenly turned immune to all emotional overtures,because it was not the way she had wanted it to be.
He did not love her,it was just that he found solace in her presence whenever her sister had been oblivious to his "Godly" presence, she wanted him to be happy and today she had sacrificed her own virginity for it.
He hugged her tightly as he soundly slept uttering the name "Divya" now and then little did he know that the only soul whom he could turn back for help laid in his arms, with tears in her hopelessly wishing he would love her back in return.
The next morning Tashu found a note beside her bed as she woke up in the morning-"Thanks for your support last night, i think i will finally propose her today."
Shakespeare had once rightly stated "The course of love never did run smooth"....Signing off 4 now......
So where do i start???ohk lets c....i am Amrita(naam to suna hoga!!),i am just about to appear for my board exams.....preparations??did u say??terrible.....i will be elated even if i pass decently and no,i am NOT being modest.....I don't mean to be cliched but i despise studying, especially because i have been forced to take up science when i wanted to devote my entire concentration to language....Well although i am aware of the fact that nothing can be done now,i just hope that my parents allow me to pursue my choice of subject henceforth........
That was all about my professional background(ahem!!),in my next blog i shall write about my favorite topic LOVE...I am no Nicholas Sparks or Erich Segal but have been the official agony aunt of my classmates.....so bye till then....take care....and don't forget to post Ur comments....