Thursday, November 25, 2010
One of my friends pointed out a few days back that my blog kind of talks about everything but me. He said that people might be really eager to know about the one who has been blabbering around, well yeah, but has not really taken out the time (!) to talk about herself.
Firstly, I am extremely romantic. I know every teenager tends to make this stereotypical comment but I am seriously one heck of an emotional fool. I really do think that love can make miracles happen. I really do believe that feeding a stray dog makes my day. I love children and I would want to own a horse someday. I don’t really listen to music that much, but the songs I love, I know them by heart. I can’t dance for nuts, I mean seriously even a grasshopper would swing his arms and legs better. Even as an eighteen year girl (lady, WOO-man, teenager, *blah*) I love it when someone pulls my cheeks (although I don’t show it). I feel as if I am back to being a child again. At times, I end up speaking nonsense about people I don’t even know properly. Stuff like that can really make you guilty but realization always strikes late in my case, so much so that in 9 out of 10 cases I end up not talking to the person ever after. If I hate someone it shows on my face and I really suck at pretending or lying. Either I end up laughing or I get caught inevitably. If I am hurt by my friend’s action, I always prefer to make it clear that I don’t like what’s happening even at the cost of being misunderstood. Repetitive but yes I love love. I love the fact that when you are really into someone who stand by that person no matter what. I am okay with someone falling in and out of love because I would rather have my to be husband come and discuss his infidelity issues with me than anyone else. I am very forgiving only and only when the other person is honest with me. Some of my friends have issues being liked by a guy whose feelings they fear to reciprocate. I personally don’t see the point in refraining from what we would really want to do. Should melancholy stop us from being what we want to be? Should our past haunt us every time we are trying to take an initiative? I know it’s easier said than done but prevention is never the cure.
Anyways getting back to what I was talking about, I would want to /love to become a writer someday. Someone whose prose may not be the most popular one but it is something which almost everyone can connect to and draw inspiration from. I want to take my parents on a world tour because they love travelling. I hope bozo gives birth soon so that I finally become a grandma. I despise people who drink and smoke(Don't ask me why!). What else? Nothing else, I think I have written enough!Lastly-“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in life you will have been all of these.”
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
He was my teacher, Yes MY TEACHER. He taught me Maths but, MATHS and I kind of repel each other, so hatred came naturally when my Mom told me that I have a new tuition teacher. Okay! This person was way too different than what I had expected. He was around 6’4”, fair and too good looking to be a teacher in the first place. He had the most beautiful eyes ever but that did not help me hate him any less. Unlike most others he actually thought I was BRIGHT which irritated me further more. Although he was ten years older to me, he actually was a fun person to be around. Slowly I started confiding into him, things even my girlfriends did not know about me. It just came naturally you see. In a few months or so he knew about almost everything I knew about myself. I told him how I never got dates in High School because I was too good for anyone there. He knew how I had shunned myself off from people after being molested on the road once. He knew how badly I underestimated myself and gave into smoking and drinking in disgust. But one thing he did not know was how much I had started liking him and how much I would get hurt if I had to lose him to someone else.
Then came the day when he said that he could not teach me anymore as he was getting married and was shifting to someplace else. For a few days I was so filled with shock that I could not respond to anything happening around me. I skipped my university exams and drowned myself in booze. I was so drunk that I actually ended up being physical with a guy only to realize that after two months that I was pregnant. I felt that may be a baby would help people take me a bit more seriously but unfortunately that was never to happen. The person who supposedly was in LOVE with me denied to accept the child and told me to get him aborted. I threatened him by saying that if he did not do as I say; I will go straight to his parents.
It was My SIR’s wedding day and my mom told me to be back in time so that we can attend it. It was around seven at night when I was walking towards home, crying terribly wondering what I should do next. And then it happened, A jeep stopped right in front of me and before I knew anything I was amongst a bunch of hooligans who were tearing apart my clothes. Within moments I was naked in front of five strangers who took turns to rape me. There came a moment when I just could not cry anymore. I never lost my consciousness and I lay there numb and helpless. After a few hours when they were done with me they grabbed my hands and legs and pushed me outside the running car. I lay on the side of the road with my mind filled with more bruises than my scarred body. All I knew was that I wanted to die right there. I had caused enough shame to everyone and I did not deserve to live anymore……
I was awakened by water drops which fell on my cheeks. I opened my eyes and wondered whether it a dream I was seeing. My Sir was sitting beside me still dumbfounded with shock. He did not get married because of his father’s untimely death which is why my mother decided to bother him with the fact that I had not come home yet. A grown up man was crying in front of me and inspite of my bodily pain.I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
“Its Ok”-I said
“No its Not OK, It is just not ok, Do you get that?”-he shouted
He started sobbing once again as he picked up my lifeless self and drove me to the nearby hospital. My mother had fainted when she came to know of my condition and my father had not spoken for a month. I had specifically told that I wanted no visitors, especially not my parents because they can never bear to see me this way. But in spite of my pleas Rajeev (My Sir) came to see me. He sat there endlessly holding my hand and crying off and on. The child had to be aborted and the doctors had confirmed that I could not become a MOTHER again. Also he had serious doubts where I could walk in the near future. Life was bad but at least I had come to terms with it now. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, I had no clue how I would ever look into my parent’s eyes but somehow such excruciating pain made me braver. What I still could not understand is why Rajeev came to meet me every day. He read to me, brought flowers and his eyes never seemed to leave mine. I finally ended up asking him-“You know you really don’t have to waste your time by coming here everyday”
“Who says I waste my time?”
“I think you do”
“No, I don’t, but you still don’t get it do you?”
“That I know I am responsible for your condition now”
“What the...I mean NO...You are NOT…You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE..”
“Tell me honestly, were you ever in Love with me?”
“I know I was…I mean I am.”
I could not believe my ears.
“You..Me? You liked me? Why did you not tell me before?”
“My parents had fixed my marriage to a girl when I had turned eighteen. And..”
“You need not explain I understand, I mean I seriously do understand. You are free to marry whomever you want. It is your life ya”.
“If that is the case, then will you marry me?”
“Whaa…I mean No, never. Stop pitying me, I will stand on my own two feet, I don’t mean literally but still”
“I am not marrying because you might need me, I am marrying because I know I need you and I can’t live without you”
“Look YOU DON’T NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME. I can’t walk, I can never be a mother, and I can never be NORMAL again!”-I almost yelled out
“I was your teacher, and that is why I never told you about my feelings. Do you even realize the fact that one does not need reasons to like or not like a person, because Love just happens”-he replied quietly.
“I don’t know what to say. Look I am too plain..I am ugly…..”…..he put his hand on my mouth and made me swear that I will never say that again.
What does it mean to truly love someone? What does it mean to be there for a person no matter what? I don’t know, because I have never loved someone the way Rajeev loves me. For the past twenty five years he has been struggling to make ends meet, he has changed Jobs, we have changed houses but he never gave me a chance to complain. He takes me to new places; we go for walks (me on the wheelchair), try out new food and even go to the supermarket together. He helped me finish off with college and has been encouraging me to write a novel ever since. But when I started, I could not think of anything but my life and his, how unceremoniously we met but how we managed to have a life together. So this book is an autobiography, of my life, the life of a girl who was nothing extraordinary but is thankful for everything that has happened to her, because those were the things which made me become a better person today. Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart. The entire crowd started clapping after I finished my speech. It was my first book launch with my husband being the first one to buy the book….and now when I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"