Saturday, October 15, 2011
"The truth is, I often like women. I like their unconventionality. I like their completeness. I like their anonymity."
Anonymity. I think I am in love with the word. Also, I am extremely fascinated by the idea of going somewhere and getting lost. I often wonder, what would it be like to be someone whose existence is unaffected by anything happening around him/ her? What would it be like to fall asleep on a sandy beach in the middle of night without having your mother/father/spouse interrupting your peace of mind? I am not trying to misconstrue their affection or concern but imagine even if it is for a day, what would it be like to spend a day all by yourself, without a care in the world?
Something kind of cute happened as I sat here typing this post. A junior sitting on the computer right behind mine got a couple of roses from "Anonymous". No this does not happen everyday whilst we are working in the computer lab. You see our college fest in on so, I mean I hope you get the drift ;). The guy was taken aback and thought of it as a cruel joke or something but on being explained I saw his lips part into a broad smile. I think the person who gifted him the roses was also smiling in her/his mind on being able to share his/her feelings with the given person. It is surprising how such small gestures can make our day, It is surprising how anonymity in spite of its vagueness can help a person truly feel special.
Anonymity, when you think about it, makes you feel out of the ordinary because there are always certain things which you wouldn't try doing otherwise. Somehow, it makes you live in the present without bothering about what the future might entail. And that in itself is remarkable. I came to the lab to research about an upcoming assignment but instead I ended up blabbering about something which apparently "shouldn't matter" to a Media and Communications student who is supposed to be "objective" and not ramble about anything and everything. But, I for one, live and bask in the glory of seemingly trivial moments which makes me think and write like crazy. And Anonymity was something which I wanted to talk about today. But it will continue to remain a leitmotif in my future posts as I am not done with my rambling yet :D. Baaiiiii :)
Monday, October 10, 2011
"Der lagi lekin
Maine ab hai
Jeena seekh liya
Jaise bhi ho din
Maine ab hai
Jeena seekh liya"
Siddhartha sat on a chair outside the emergency ward, fiddling with just about anything within his reach. He glimpsed through magazines, tried solving the crossword, ran his hands through his unkempt hair and tapped his feet till the nurse finally told him to shut up. He walked up and down the staircase, left to right of the corridor but every inch of movement, reminded him of last night. Of the fact that, an innocent girl was out there fighting for her life ONLY because his supremely callous and vile self. Only because of his self imposed authority over an individual whose lone fault was to like him. Only because he never really intended to reciprocate her feelings, or anyone else's for that matter.
The doctor came out of the room, looking exhausted. Siddhartha rushed towards him, teary eyed.
" Doctor ho-w how how is she now? How is she?"
" I am sorry." the doctor replied in a matter of fact way.
" What? No. Please.No."
" We saved her."
"Good lord! You nearly killed me there..."
"Her legs. both. Had to be amputated. I am sorry."
"Whaa.."- Siddhartha gasped.
He fell back on the chair disconcerted, vehemently shaking his head.
"This..this..cant happen..Ah!! Ahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." An excruciating pain caught him off guard and made him shiver in fear and anguish.
Roshni lay on the bed, tossing from one side to another. She was coming back to senses finally,after been kept under sedatives for four days . Her body was weak, the pain was unbearable. She opened her eyes to be greeted with a fractured limb. She tried moving her legs. After several attempts she realized she could not feel them. She moved her good arm over her posterior self. Her eyes widened with disbelief."
A nurse came in.
"Good you are back to your senses. There is a visitor for you."
"Nurse, where, where are my legs?" - croaked Roshni.
" Oh, they didn't tell you..did they?"
"Tell me whaa--t??"
"Your legs had to be amputated."
"Huh? what? No..Please No...It was my mistake.I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have gone. I can't, I can't lose my legs. No..No..No..Please."
"Stay calm. You have a visitor."
" I lost my...I" - Roshni voice croaked. She realized she could speak no more. Her parents. What would she tell them ? ..
The door opened with a screeching sound. Roshni lay on the bed without any movement.
The voice.That voice.It was him. "Him" . What would, what could she possibly tell someone who has literally crippled her for the rest of her life?"
"Roshni. I am sorry. If there is anything..."
Siddhartha could see Roshni's face clearly in the dimly lit room. He could see the utter despair with which she tried to hide her tears. He could feel the presence of her amputated legs lost under the white sheets trying to find their way. A way to not depend on another mortal for the rest of their lives. The room was uncannily silent. No one said a word.
Siddhartha did not try to hold her hand. That was a right he could never earn in this lifetime, at least. He could hear Roshni's muffled sobs, sitting on a couch about a meter away.
"If there is anything..." - he started of from where he left.
"I said, Leave, L-E-A-V-E, Leave. Please Leave."
Roshni turned her head, a stream of tears ticked down her cheeks as she realized that a juvenile crush had almost cost her life. She could never risk falling in love again. She has to make the best of whatever she has left now. Life doesn't give much of a choice to a seventeen year old, Does it?
Siddhartha stood outside the Emergency ward looking at the frail silhouette trying to adjust itself on the hospital bed. Sleep wouldn't come easy, neither for her, nor for him. Because for the first in his life he wasn't condescending to the opposite sex. For the first time in his life, he was ready to risk everything, his job, his career, his weekend booze parties at the cost of staying in a Government hospital to see Roshni recover fast and get discharged as soon as possible. It wasn't pity and he knew that. It was something else. Her memories will continue to haunt her and forgiveness will never come easy. But for the first time, he wanted to try even at the cost of appearing stupid and insensitive. May be someday,she will truly forgive him. And to wake up to that day would be Siddhartha's dream in life. Not to buy a Porsche, a Ferrari or own a pent house. Forgiveness was all he wanted.
"I will write to you
when the time is right
I will explain
what I can't
when I can,
talk to you.
It won't be long
or take long
or feel wrong
It won't be rude
or angsty or real
but it will
be the truth
I will write
and I won't,
pass it on
- Rishi Razdaan
P.S - This story is a continuation of something I written a while ago. I write this especially at the insistence of a particular friend who was too eager to know what happens next.