Thursday, January 19, 2012
The other day her college professor had been talking about Freud’s Pseudo Sexual Theory in class. About how all humans are nothing but sexual beings, where every action one performs right from his/her birth is indicative of the person he will turn out to be. Apparently chewing gum also has some hidden connotation to itself. But all of that never made sense to her, they never did. She was yet to feel her own self, unlike any other primate. And she was yet to come across that part of herself which longs for a person, physically.
He was a friend. A very good one at that. We used to go for tuitions together. But ironically, it was Facebook which brought us closer. We discussed about everything, and there was never an odd moment really. It was the 9th of March. He told me he was coming to Poona, for some conference and that it would be great if we could meet up. I agreed. Since he did not know the city well, I took the day off from college and showed him around. By evening we were back in my part of the city, in a mall hogging on subway sandwiches.
After that we decided to take a stroll. I was happy high for some reason and started crossing without looking out for the maruti omni van, which came speeding towards me. He pulled me back and I went dashing towards him and within moments we were lay in the middle of the road, with me laughing hysterically. Actually, that was more like a fake laugh trying to conceal all the oddity which had suddenly crept in within me. BS shouted, - “You could have DIED.” I replied, - “I know! That is what makes it all the more fun.” And all this while he kept clutching on to me with his toned arms engulfing me. The smell of musk on him was overpowering and I felt dizzy. I had never been this close to any other guy before. And quite unlike my presumptions about my own self, I wasn’t feeling weird, not even a bit. Anyway, I got up on my own, dusting my faded denims while he stood guarding me so that I did not dash into any other vehicle, at least in his presence.
We started walking again, suddenly a lot more aware of each other’s presence, I cracked lame jokes to clear the air, but it didn’t help. He pointed towards a bench across the pavement and said that he wanted to talk. All I said was ‘Okay’. I waited in the silence stareing into nothingness waiting for him to speak up. I finally initiated the conversation asking him, - “What is it that you wanted to say?” It was almost the same time that I noticed his eyes for the first time, a shade of brown black, just like mine.
“Do you want to know the real reason I came here?”
“Yeah tell me.”
“I think I like you.”
“Yes. I think a lot.”
“I mean, I want ..love.. you .. make.” – He looked adorable while fumbling with his words.
“You wanted to make love to me?” I couldn’t believe that, even while saying it out loud.
“And that is the reason you came all the way? To fuck me?” I was feeling rather offended. What happened to platonic love anyway?
“Look. I am not forcing you into anything. For the first time, I am actually telling someone what I actually feel, even at the cost of losing a friend forever. When I say, I love you (All this while I was taking mind notes, but the word ‘love’ startled me) I want to love your entire being and that includes your physical self. I want to hold in my arms, to kiss you, to make love to ...”
“Ok. Stop. You are starting to gross me out already.”
“You said you loved me?”
“Yes I do.”
“And once again, what has that got to do with sex?”
“Okay. Chuck it. Bad idea. I have a flight tomorrow. “
“I will drop you to your hotel.”
“I will come, whether you like it or not.”
The rest of the journey was made in sheer silence with random thoughts floating in my head, “All guys are the same. I would rather die a virgin than having random sex with someone. How audacious of him to ask me in the first place? What has happened to the world…” and so forth.
We finally reached his hotel, after what seemed liked ages. I walked up to his room.
He told me flatly, - “Be seeing you.”
“When is your flight tomorrow?”
“It is okay, I can manage.”
“What is that supposed to mean.”
“ Kicchu na”
And all of a sudden I was really sad. I enjoyed the day so much; I did not want him to leave.
Tears welled up my eyes as I asked him for a last hug.
He wrapped me in his arms, while I continued to cry, feeling rather stupid.
“It is okay, I understand.” He told me comfortingly.
And all of a sudden I was ready to take the leap of faith. It seemed crazy but some how , I knew that this was it. He let go of me after a long reassuring embrace. I cupped his face, and moved closer to him. He closed his eyes. I did it too. My first kiss. Transcendental, I felt I was flying. It is didn’t happen the way it usually happens in chick lit novels or movies. Yes, there were fleeting moments of passion, but we both were aware of what we were doing. We were inexperienced and juvenile but that is what made it so special. He never seemed to mind my bulging tummy and I never seemed to mind that he had a flight to catch the next morning. Instead of forcing him to go to bed, I selfishly clung on to every moment till I finally fell asleep beside him.
I woke up the next morning, not on a single bed with clothes strewn all over me, but on a rather comfy divan with my clothes kept neatly on the bed side table. I smiled. I looked on the right side of my bed. He was still sleeping. I had never seen anything so beautiful. So calm, so peaceful. I was glad that I decided to let go of myself the previous night. It was worth it.
I stood in silence, watching his plane take off. A drop of tear welled down my cheek at the same time I was smiling to myself. I was in love, and there was no turning away from that.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
"It is not intelligence alone that brings success, but also the drive to succeed, the commitment to work hard, and the courage to believe in yourself. Know that your dreams must come from your heart's deepest desires. Only then will the barriers come down before you. To know your heart, you must know yourself. You are who you decide to be, not who other people decide for you to be. Be noble. Stand on the higher ground. Create your life and then go out and live it."
I have never been interested in making resolutions. It wasn't my thing, really. As years passed by, I slowly changed from a timid adolescent to an young adult, a little braver, if I may say so. And through this journey, I have always felt, that you can't plan a transformation. It happens gradually be it for the better or for the worse. We can't see the future, we don't know what oppurtunities lie in front of us, then how can we plan for something which is to happen in the future ?
For example, I might set a resolution to not be mean to people. But hello ? I am not the next Jesus Christ ! If anyone tries to hamper my peace of mind it is but obvious I will retaliate. However, there can be certain things which you can choose to ignore or be determined to acheive, no matter what.
If you ask me what is it that I have set my mind on for the next year,I would say I want to be a good human being. Although it may sound incredibly cheezy, I want to be kind,rewarding and less demanding. To be less preachy and to reciprocate the love and attention of my friends and family. I want to more expressive, be it vocally or on a peice of paper. I want to be difficult, I want to be easy. I don't want to restrict myself to anything or anyone. I want to fall in love even at the cost of getting hurt. I want to live today and forget about what yesterday was like or tomorrow could be like. I want to be so many things I am not, yet I want to remain the small town girl who once dreamt of making it big. Irrespective of what the new year may bring, I promise to never lose my head, to never forget to be greatful for everything I may have acheived.
Here's to a New start :)