Of Nothingness and of me ..

Okay, so how do I put this? I am not in a mood of writing. I write this because I simply don’t have a choice. I write this because I am surprised at how hollow and selfish people can be at times. I am surprised that when people had earlier said that they would be there for you they only meant it until they realized that your mere presence was fatal to their established “image” as a do gooder who couldn’t possibly be associated with a girl who is indecisive and vile.

I am astounded at the audaciousness of people who tell me to be brave and “stop running away” when they aren’t even ready to pause briefly and ask me what the reason for my present state of mind is. I have always been an idealist who refused to bother thinking about what people around may perceive of her. I have always believed that no matter what I do, I need to stand in front of the mirror at the end of the day and look into my own eyes with any guilt or repent. I have always been indifferent to what “others might say” because quite honestly, people will judge you even if you are Mother Teresa. But today I discovered that people whom I considered to be my best friends suddenly decided to not even remotely pay attention to my plight because it might risk them their social status in an ignorable classroom where a bunch of hoodlums quite amicably take the liberty of pulling each other down to the best of their abilities.

I am appalled because I have always thought that people (including me) have the right to make mistakes, which is the way we get better .You trip and you fall and then you get up and eventually even the deepest of wounds dry up leaving behind a scar, a constant reminder of the past which will never be forgotten.

Reality would perhaps continue to get the better of me, making me feel worthless with every passing day. But even then, I will never let anyone take decisions for me; I will never let anyone to prevent me for thinking for myself. I wish I could say that this too shall pass, but considering how some people can hurt you more than you think they can, this one incident might leave a scar on my mind, forever.

Time to change !

If I could change something around me, what would it be ?

If I could change something around me I would make sure that there is no Women's day to begin with. We, women don't need a day to celebrate the cause of our being. We need not be reminded that we are beautiful, special, privileged for just one day especially when they are horrible atrocities committed on women across the world, every day of the year. If I could change something, I would change the way a woman thinks about another woman. If your husband/boyfriend is cheating on you, the other woman becomes a slut automatically. The poor soul might not even know that the man is married with two kids. This was perhaps a very general example but what I mean to say is that as women, need to be there for each other and believe in the existence of each other. It is very easy to shower someone with profanities, but try being in her shoes, and would would realize it is not that easy after all.

It is not easy being a daughter of someone who heads a multinational company because her mother won't be a able to find time for her, whenever she needs someone to talk to to. It is not easy being pretty, smart or incredibly talented. Because no matter how good you are, there will always be people judging you, discouraging you, telling you that you can't make it happen because you are a girl.

You will be born , grow up, grow old and die like every mortal. But in between your body and surroundings will undergo enormous changes, most of which you will be unable to comprehend. You will be expected to be a obedient daughter and not a rebel. You will be expected to wear vermilion on your forehead, change your identity and belong to someone else for the rest of your life. And you will. But you will also teach the world, to be passionate again. You will love and bear the baby of your partner. But you will also laugh and cry. You will be angry and ecstatic because you are but a human who needs to express herself.

If I could change something around me,I would try ensuring that feminism as a concept or as a social structure does not set a trend that patriarchy has, over the years. It should not not be downright offensive towards men but instead be a way to fight back the powerful and aid the deprived.

Lastly, If I could change something around me, I would change myself . Be a little more forgiving and a little less judgmental. I wish I could trust people more, give a chance to even those who have hurt me time and again. And also be persistent and never give up. Like Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley had once said, - "I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves."

Bhaaalentine

I have never been in love. But I have read books, watched movies and known of people who have loved each other dearly. I am almost twenty, and as much as I would want to experience love, I don’t see why people make a big issue about someone's status quo. I have had my friends who have lovers, comment (intentionally or unintentionally) about how uncannily hopeful I am about witnessing a miracle, of falling in love. And I have accepted their criticisms graciously without letting go of my opinions on the given subject (if it could hardly be called one).

According to me, It is okay to be consumed in the thoughts of love. It is okay to like someone without the slightest reciprocation. And It is okay to dress up and feel good on Valentine's Day even if you are not in a relationship, at the given moment.

I kind of feel sorry for people who are against the entire concept of Valentine's Day. Most of them come up with excuses like, it is a byproduct of commercialism, we don't need another day just to celebrate love and so on and so forth. Some even go and on about how we shouldn't be happy on the given day because St Valentine lost his life almost light years back on the same day. What they don't realize is that we are celebrating the cause which he upheld even at the time of his death.

They are varied emotions which a human being is capable of expressing. But only Love has had the privilege of having an entire day to itself. So yes, just like we celebrate id, dusshera and Christmas we might as well celebrate the ephemeral feeling which can just be described in four simple letters. L-O-V-E.

On this Valentine's Day I wish for everyone to be stupid, to be impulsive and crazy. To go and confide to the person you love without expecting anything in return. To be brave even at the cost of embarrassing yourself in front of the cute guy who sits beside you in the Physics Class. Trust me, he will be fortunate to be wanted by someone like you, who is not afraid of expressing herself. I know for a fact that it is easier said than done, but I also know that when time comes, even I will take a leap of faith and give it a shot.

So yes , to everyone who might chance upon this piece of mine. Go out there and have a blast.

So long ,

Amrita

The other day her college professor had been talking about Freud’s Pseudo Sexual Theory in class. About how all humans are nothing but sexual beings, where every action one performs right from his/her birth is indicative of the person he will turn out to be. Apparently chewing gum also has some hidden connotation to itself. But all of that never made sense to her, they never did. She was yet to feel her own self, unlike any other primate. And she was yet to come across that part of herself which longs for a person, physically.
************************

He was a friend. A very good one at that. We used to go for tuitions together. But ironically, it was Facebook which brought us closer. We discussed about everything, and there was never an odd moment really. It was the 9th of March. He told me he was coming to Poona, for some conference and that it would be great if we could meet up. I agreed. Since he did not know the city well, I took the day off from college and showed him around. By evening we were back in my part of the city, in a mall hogging on subway sandwiches.

After that we decided to take a stroll. I was happy high for some reason and started crossing without looking out for the maruti omni van, which came speeding towards me. He pulled me back and I went dashing towards him and within moments we were lay in the middle of the road, with me laughing hysterically. Actually, that was more like a fake laugh trying to conceal all the oddity which had suddenly crept in within me. BS shouted, - “You could have DIED.” I replied, - “I know! That is what makes it all the more fun.” And all this while he kept clutching on to me with his toned arms engulfing me. The smell of musk on him was overpowering and I felt dizzy. I had never been this close to any other guy before. And quite unlike my presumptions about my own self, I wasn’t feeling weird, not even a bit. Anyway, I got up on my own, dusting my faded denims while he stood guarding me so that I did not dash into any other vehicle, at least in his presence.

We started walking again, suddenly a lot more aware of each other’s presence, I cracked lame jokes to clear the air, but it didn’t help. He pointed towards a bench across the pavement and said that he wanted to talk. All I said was ‘Okay’. I waited in the silence stareing into nothingness waiting for him to speak up. I finally initiated the conversation asking him, - “What is it that you wanted to say?” It was almost the same time that I noticed his eyes for the first time, a shade of brown black, just like mine.
“Do you want to know the real reason I came here?”
“Yeah tell me.”
“I think I like you.”
“You think?”
“Yes. I think a lot.”
“Huh?”
“I mean, I want ..love.. you .. make.” – He looked adorable while fumbling with his words.
“You wanted to make love to me?” I couldn’t believe that, even while saying it out loud.
“Yes.”
“And that is the reason you came all the way? To fuck me?” I was feeling rather offended. What happened to platonic love anyway?
“Look. I am not forcing you into anything. For the first time, I am actually telling someone what I actually feel, even at the cost of losing a friend forever. When I say, I love you (All this while I was taking mind notes, but the word ‘love’ startled me) I want to love your entire being and that includes your physical self. I want to hold in my arms, to kiss you, to make love to ...”
“Ok. Stop. You are starting to gross me out already.”
“You said you loved me?”
“Yes I do.”
“And once again, what has that got to do with sex?”
“Okay. Chuck it. Bad idea. I have a flight tomorrow. “
“I will drop you to your hotel.”
“No thanks.”
“I will come, whether you like it or not.”

The rest of the journey was made in sheer silence with random thoughts floating in my head, “All guys are the same. I would rather die a virgin than having random sex with someone. How audacious of him to ask me in the first place? What has happened to the world…” and so forth.

We finally reached his hotel, after what seemed liked ages. I walked up to his room.
He told me flatly, - “Be seeing you.”
“When is your flight tomorrow?”
“It is okay, I can manage.”
“What is that supposed to mean.”
“ Kicchu na”
And all of a sudden I was really sad. I enjoyed the day so much; I did not want him to leave.
Tears welled up my eyes as I asked him for a last hug.
He wrapped me in his arms, while I continued to cry, feeling rather stupid.
“It is okay, I understand.” He told me comfortingly.

And all of a sudden I was ready to take the leap of faith. It seemed crazy but some how , I knew that this was it. He let go of me after a long reassuring embrace. I cupped his face, and moved closer to him. He closed his eyes. I did it too. My first kiss. Transcendental, I felt I was flying. It is didn’t happen the way it usually happens in chick lit novels or movies. Yes, there were fleeting moments of passion, but we both were aware of what we were doing. We were inexperienced and juvenile but that is what made it so special. He never seemed to mind my bulging tummy and I never seemed to mind that he had a flight to catch the next morning. Instead of forcing him to go to bed, I selfishly clung on to every moment till I finally fell asleep beside him.

I woke up the next morning, not on a single bed with clothes strewn all over me, but on a rather comfy divan with my clothes kept neatly on the bed side table. I smiled. I looked on the right side of my bed. He was still sleeping. I had never seen anything so beautiful. So calm, so peaceful. I was glad that I decided to let go of myself the previous night. It was worth it.
***************************

I stood in silence, watching his plane take off. A drop of tear welled down my cheek at the same time I was smiling to myself. I was in love, and there was no turning away from that.

2012 it is :)

"It is not intelligence alone that brings success, but also the drive to succeed, the commitment to work hard, and the courage to believe in yourself. Know that your dreams must come from your heart's deepest desires. Only then will the barriers come down before you. To know your heart, you must know yourself. You are who you decide to be, not who other people decide for you to be. Be noble. Stand on the higher ground. Create your life and then go out and live it."

I have never been interested in making resolutions. It wasn't my thing, really. As years passed by, I slowly changed from a timid adolescent to an young adult, a little braver, if I may say so. And through this journey, I have always felt, that you can't plan a transformation. It happens gradually be it for the better or for the worse. We can't see the future, we don't know what oppurtunities lie in front of us, then how can we plan for something which is to happen in the future ?

For example, I might set a resolution to not be mean to people. But hello ? I am not the next Jesus Christ ! If anyone tries to hamper my peace of mind it is but obvious I will retaliate. However, there can be certain things which you can choose to ignore or be determined to acheive, no matter what.

If you ask me what is it that I have set my mind on for the next year,I would say I want to be a good human being. Although it may sound incredibly cheezy, I want to be kind,rewarding and less demanding. To be less preachy and to reciprocate the love and attention of my friends and family. I want to more expressive, be it vocally or on a peice of paper. I want to be difficult, I want to be easy. I don't want to restrict myself to anything or anyone. I want to fall in love even at the cost of getting hurt. I want to live today and forget about what yesterday was like or tomorrow could be like. I want to be so many things I am not, yet I want to remain the small town girl who once dreamt of making it big. Irrespective of what the new year may bring, I promise to never lose my head, to never forget to be greatful for everything I may have acheived.

Here's to a New start :)
Cheers,
Amrita.

The God of Small Things

It started with a journey in the middle of the night. A night, so terribly cold that my entire body had gone numb. I seriously thought I could die (No Really !) Travelling in a tempo traveller without a heater is not THAT a good idea after all. And after eight hours of journey on the Delhi Jaipur Highway, I made it. I was finally at Ajmer, a city which mesmerized me with its small alleys, kachori stalls, women selling colourful bangles off the streets and architecture which takes you several century back. Be it broken beams, elaborate gateways or monuments , you cannot help but gape at those pristine structures which stand as a testimony to times, old and new. And yes, there was a man peeing away to glory, facing one of the gateways. (:/) How disgusting.

Anyway,Ajmer Sharif. My first visit to an Islamic or should I say Sufi Shrine. The roads leading up to the Dargah were filled with people wearing skull caps and with children and handicapped men seeking for alms. There were shops on both sides selling clothes, shoes, sweets and what not.I made my way to the shrine touching the silver walls and the beautiful engravings which were truly a treat to the eyes. As we stood in line in the premises to enter the main building, there were religious guards coming up ordering women to cover their heads completely. After standing under the desert sun for over half an hour with people about cribbing shafts of hair, I thought it might not be my day after all. And then I saw him.

The last time I looked in that direction there were men and women with huge brooms cleaning the open space in front of the dargah. But now, there were a host of people sitting with harmoniums, dhols all ready to sing. And amongst them sat he, eyes dreamy, with ruffled hair peeping out from underneath his skull cap. The next time I saw him was after coming out of the Dargah. He was clapping his hands , singing loudly following the lead of the main singer. And almost immediately I knew that he could not sing. His voice was so out of tune that I almost smiled as I turned to look at him. To my surprise, he was looking straight at me without even bothering to blink. Meanwhile, several members of the group I came with apparently got lost so I took the extra time out for shamelessly gawking at handsome stranger who continued to stare at me off and on.

He stood up once. Looking brusque yet vulnerable. And boy he was tall. AND considering the typical girl I am, I couldn't hep but notice that his peach color kurta happened to seamlessly fit his muscular self. What I could not understand was that even when I feigned a smile , he continued to look at me, expressionless. The writer in me was intrigued. I thought, - "There must be a story behind such a young man being in a Dargah trying to serve the Lord while most people his age dream of conquering the world entire." As I left the premises, I could feel his eyes, following me. I looked back for the last time, and walked out, with the sound of music getting drowned by the cacophony of the urban squalor.

Prior to this experience, I had a certain discord with God. But now I felt as if he exists. Primarily because it is always easier to relate when you find someone closer to your age group completely surrendering himself in the presence of almighty. True, his benign self can't be restricted to some supposed shrine, as he resides in every individual who is in search of new things, places and a new self. But for someone like me, who is a dreamer, who gets lost in bright daylight, who is often found to stare at strangers for inspiration finding or at least looking out for GOD was certainly not on my to do lists. But now I feel it should. For he is the God of small things,of fond memories, incessant cravings, of greed, lust, passion, hunger, strife and such varied emotions which makes life so special. No wonder every religious book in the world talks about the same thing. "To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget."

One Day :)

Mom - I still don't understand what do you see in that guy.
Daughter - I don't either .
Mom - Now what do you mean by that.
Daughter - He calls me retarded ...
Mom - What ? Retarded ? And you still ?
Daughter - Yes Mother, I still like him.
Mom - Why May I ask ?
Daughter - Erm, because he is uncouth and he is improper. He is unlike other guys. When we go to some place he grabs his seat even before I have reached mine. He eats with his mouth full. Because he keeps on talking endlessly. Because in spite of all that he is still cares about me, and I can see that.
Mom - How ? I don't understand.
Daughter- I do mother. I just feel protected in his presence.
Mom- And you like this guy.
Daughter - Yes. I like the fact that he often falls down while dashing towards a table, playing , " Lets see who gets there first." I like the fact that I have to bend across the table to wipe that extra mayo off is lips. I love it when we walk down the road , making fun of each other instead of being too mushy or cheesy about it all the time. We aren't all that practical but it feels nice to be with each other. He tickles me , I pull his hair . We wrestle we fight. But at the end of the day, he plants a kiss on my forehead saying, - " Gosh. Life wouldn't have been LIFE without you.
Mom - You are clearly infatuated with this guy. What makes you think he is not using you ?
Daughter - What makes you think he is ? I think, I might have been using him because in all my life , I have never been this happy. I have used him to ensure myself, to hope that someday he will come, take me in his arms and tell me how much he loves me.I used him Ma, to be poetic in the most mundane of circumstances thinking of the life we may have together. I have used the moments I have spent with him to reaffirm on the fact that if it does not work out between us, I will have plenty of memories to live by.
Mom - How can you be so philosophic about everything ?
Daughter - What about you and dad Mom ? You both have been the most pragmatic of people knowing exactly what you wanted from each other. But destiny had something else in store for you. I haven't seen my father in ten years but that does not deter my spirit from trying to find love. It is not the duration it is those funny, fragile, embarrassing and sensitive moments which makes life so special.I have and I will continue to believe, one day , some day , It will be my day. My day of falling in love, irrevocably without bothering what the future lay in store for us.

Meanwhile the mother gets up from her seat, turn on the other side trying desperately to hide her tears mumbling the words,-" We weren't all that practical you know." , wondering how quick her little girl has grown up.