Delhi it is :)

Delli..Delhi..Kya Batau Apke baarey mein ? It has been just one week. And I already love the place. Yeah, I lost my purse the first day and got a virtual thrashing but that does not deter my spirit one bit. According to my friends, there are certain (read : frequent and reoccurring) moments when I "zone-out" into a world of my own, even when I am a part of a loud and boisterous crowd. In Delhi, I think I am always zoned out (No wonder I lost my purse :/). It is almost like I am gliding through a sea of people whose aspirations and dreams just like my own.

So what are my observations ? The energy of the city is mind boggling . The people are very responsible when it comes to keeping the city neat and clean . There is no pretense . And if you are used to hearing or telling lies about yourself, this is not your place to be because although Delhi is supposedly plastic and materialistic, people here are straight forward and on your face. If they dislike you , YOU will come to know of it before anyone else. Sometimes vocally, sometimes through their actions. Yes, their English is terribly out of place but that is only because they would rather fine tune their mother tongue than trying to master a foreign language. "Here" becomes "Hair" but hardly anyone makes a gender error which a Bengali like me often succumbs to.

It is very different from the place I belong to. People hardly indulge in small talks, they are very focused about what they want from whom. Call them thorough professionals or workaholics , people here (irrespective of what they do) know how to get the work done. Any way for someone like me who blatantly refuses to adopt to any form of change, I really like being here. You can't expect someone here to come and have a talk on Ray's films or something but in their own way their are passionate and work hard towards things they believe in. Once you have been here you can't blame a person for owning a SUV or the child who chases you at Connaught Place for a penny or two. As they say to each his own. I am yet to explore most parts of the city. But boy does gol gappe and Kathi Rolls taste like heaven :D . Anyway will be coming up with more (hopefully) posts about the capital of India . And yes, this might not be the best literary piece of mine but it always feels good to write about something which may have affected you in ways more than one.

Anonymity

"The truth is, I often like women. I like their unconventionality. I like their completeness. I like their anonymity."
~Virginia Woolf

Anonymity. I think I am in love with the word. Also, I am extremely fascinated by the idea of going somewhere and getting lost. I often wonder, what would it be like to be someone whose existence is unaffected by anything happening around him/ her? What would it be like to fall asleep on a sandy beach in the middle of night without having your mother/father/spouse interrupting your peace of mind? I am not trying to misconstrue their affection or concern but imagine even if it is for a day, what would it be like to spend a day all by yourself, without a care in the world?

Something kind of cute happened as I sat here typing this post. A junior sitting on the computer right behind mine got a couple of roses from "Anonymous". No this does not happen everyday whilst we are working in the computer lab. You see our college fest in on so, I mean I hope you get the drift ;). The guy was taken aback and thought of it as a cruel joke or something but on being explained I saw his lips part into a broad smile. I think the person who gifted him the roses was also smiling in her/his mind on being able to share his/her feelings with the given person. It is surprising how such small gestures can make our day, It is surprising how anonymity in spite of its vagueness can help a person truly feel special.

Anonymity, when you think about it, makes you feel out of the ordinary because there are always certain things which you wouldn't try doing otherwise. Somehow, it makes you live in the present without bothering about what the future might entail. And that in itself is remarkable. I came to the lab to research about an upcoming assignment but instead I ended up blabbering about something which apparently "shouldn't matter" to a Media and Communications student who is supposed to be "objective" and not ramble about anything and everything. But, I for one, live and bask in the glory of seemingly trivial moments which makes me think and write like crazy. And Anonymity was something which I wanted to talk about today. But it will continue to remain a leitmotif in my future posts as I am not done with my rambling yet :D. Baaiiiii :)

Amrita

Because Like everything else, Life deserves a second chance..

"Der lagi lekin
Maine ab hai
Jeena seekh liya
Jaise bhi ho din
Maine ab hai
Jeena seekh liya"

Siddhartha sat on a chair outside the emergency ward, fiddling with just about anything within his reach. He glimpsed through magazines, tried solving the crossword, ran his hands through his unkempt hair and tapped his feet till the nurse finally told him to shut up. He walked up and down the staircase, left to right of the corridor but every inch of movement, reminded him of last night. Of the fact that, an innocent girl was out there fighting for her life ONLY because his supremely callous and vile self. Only because of his self imposed authority over an individual whose lone fault was to like him. Only because he never really intended to reciprocate her feelings, or anyone else's for that matter.

The doctor came out of the room, looking exhausted. Siddhartha rushed towards him, teary eyed.
" Doctor ho-w how how is she now? How is she?"
" I am sorry." the doctor replied in a matter of fact way.
" What? No. Please.No."
" We saved her."
"Good lord! You nearly killed me there..."
"But.."
"BUT?"
"Her legs. both. Had to be amputated. I am sorry."

"Whaa.."- Siddhartha gasped.
He fell back on the chair disconcerted, vehemently shaking his head.
"This..this..cant happen..Ah!! Ahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." An excruciating pain caught him off guard and made him shiver in fear and anguish.

**************************
Roshni lay on the bed, tossing from one side to another. She was coming back to senses finally,after been kept under sedatives for four days . Her body was weak, the pain was unbearable. She opened her eyes to be greeted with a fractured limb. She tried moving her legs. After several attempts she realized she could not feel them. She moved her good arm over her posterior self. Her eyes widened with disbelief."

A nurse came in.
"Good you are back to your senses. There is a visitor for you."
"Nurse, where, where are my legs?" - croaked Roshni.
" Oh, they didn't tell you..did they?"
"Tell me whaa--t??"
"Your legs had to be amputated."
"Huh? what? No..Please No...It was my mistake.I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have gone. I can't, I can't lose my legs. No..No..No..Please."
"Stay calm. You have a visitor."
" I lost my...I" - Roshni voice croaked. She realized she could speak no more. Her parents. What would she tell them ? ..

The door opened with a screeching sound. Roshni lay on the bed without any movement.

"Roshni."
The voice.That voice.It was him. "Him" . What would, what could she possibly tell someone who has literally crippled her for the rest of her life?"
"Roshni. I am sorry. If there is anything..."

Siddhartha could see Roshni's face clearly in the dimly lit room. He could see the utter despair with which she tried to hide her tears. He could feel the presence of her amputated legs lost under the white sheets trying to find their way. A way to not depend on another mortal for the rest of their lives. The room was uncannily silent. No one said a word.

Siddhartha did not try to hold her hand. That was a right he could never earn in this lifetime, at least. He could hear Roshni's muffled sobs, sitting on a couch about a meter away.

"If there is anything..." - he started of from where he left.
"Leave."
"What?"
"I said, Leave, L-E-A-V-E, Leave. Please Leave."
"I.."
Roshni turned her head, a stream of tears ticked down her cheeks as she realized that a juvenile crush had almost cost her life. She could never risk falling in love again. She has to make the best of whatever she has left now. Life doesn't give much of a choice to a seventeen year old, Does it?

Siddhartha stood outside the Emergency ward looking at the frail silhouette trying to adjust itself on the hospital bed. Sleep wouldn't come easy, neither for her, nor for him. Because for the first in his life he wasn't condescending to the opposite sex. For the first time in his life, he was ready to risk everything, his job, his career, his weekend booze parties at the cost of staying in a Government hospital to see Roshni recover fast and get discharged as soon as possible. It wasn't pity and he knew that. It was something else. Her memories will continue to haunt her and forgiveness will never come easy. But for the first time, he wanted to try even at the cost of appearing stupid and insensitive. May be someday,she will truly forgive him. And to wake up to that day would be Siddhartha's dream in life. Not to buy a Porsche, a Ferrari or own a pent house. Forgiveness was all he wanted.

"I will write to you
when the time is right
to write,
to you.

I will explain
what I can't
when I can,
talk to you.

It won't be long
or take long
or feel wrong
to you.

It won't be rude
or angsty or real
but it will
be the truth
to you

I will write
soon;
and I won't,
pass it on
to you."

- Rishi Razdaan

P.S - This story is a continuation of something I written a while ago. I write this especially at the insistence of a particular friend who was too eager to know what happens next.

Happy Birthday to Me..

"It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me."- Ellen Glasgow

So it is my birthday again. But for some reason the very fact that I am turning nineteen refuses to delight me. I dream of acheiving great heights, of falling in love, of getting drunk and throwing up on a stranger but at the same time I dont want to grow up. Why? I don't know.

Living in a new city (not so new any more) has its own advantages. For one it is your chance to start all over. No one will be judgemental, no one will tell you what is good for you and whats not. No one will ask about that teacher who humiliated you on your last school day, no one will laugh or smirk at you because you stutter while you speak. No one. But as you start adujusting in the same place it brings back memories of the past.

Your trying to build an image. Lets call it self improvement. And you would obviously want people to like you for the fact that you are jovial, adorable and have two left foot. Guess what they already do. What they don't know is that inside the same person lies a soul which for different reasons is slowing withering away. They think its a "mood swing", but you obviously know better. And then comes your birthday.

Golly jee!! A day to make merry and rejoice your own existence. But what if you are not so proud of it? Your newly made friends expect to adorn your face with chocolate cake which they lovingly baked/bought for you while you attend the calls of your near and dear ones. But what if no one calls? It is the stroke of midnight and your phone doesn't ring, not for a single time. Oh cmon your parents are getting old. They will definitely wish you in the morning. Your brother? Darn! He must have been really busy with his work. The few friends you had?? They will TEXT you, anytime soon. And right at that momment you realize, its not your birthday, it is your existence you are scared of. You are petrified that one day people will just forget that there was a girl named "Amrita" or Semma or Riya or whatever. You will just cease to exist.

Call me paranoid but I live in fear of that day. I don't know whether it is the case with other people as well. Even when I don't tell anyone about it, I invariably start expecting certain things from people whom I love,and I fear that they might not feel the same way. That fear is what drives me, that fear is what makes me cry behind closed doors. I am insecure and I fear that this feeling of losing people won't ever go. That is why my birthday, somehow, doesn't cheer me up. But I hope it will someday. Till then, let me end with this:

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."- Albert Camus

Yours truly.

Uncomfortably Numb...

What can we take on trust
in this uncertain life? Happiness, greatness,
pride - nothing is secure, nothing keeps.
~Euripides, Hecuba


I tried desperately not to look at him. I tried to hide my tears. I failed, miserably. Somehow I felt that he will come by, console me, and give me a tight hug. Nothing happened. Nothing ever did. My mind was hounded by sudden flashbacks. His funny yet sensitive face was all I could see when I closed my eyes. As I walked back in the rain, all I could imagine was that he will come running like a bollywood hero, grab me, and make my pain vanish into thin air.

“What was I thinking?”- I wondered. What was I thinking when I became friends with him. What was I thinking when I let him open my hair, cup my face and plant a gentle kiss on my lips? What did he ever do to deserve any of that? What was I thinking when I lied to my mother about an assignment when all I did was get drunk in his filthy apartment and run around stark naked while he videotaped my antics on his expensive camera phone? What was I thinking?

I am a debutante porn star, what a joke! I am sure every guy in this college has the damned video which might later assist him in making sweet love to himself. Why God, why me? I shouted. A bisexual replied from somewhere, -“ ooooo…..babbbyy….fuck thy lord…fuck him…fuck him.” I looked around, disgruntled. Not a single person wanted to talk to me. I am the scandalous whore. And Vikram? Oh, that bastard has a new chick sucking his cock now.

I am not a princess after all. And there obviously isn’t any man who would have the balls to like me, cause I have already “given my flower” to someone whose presence has shaken the core of my very existence. To hell with everything. I close my eyes, again. I am in a missionary school where my principal faints after I utter a rather commonplace expletive.

“Don’t let the devil get the better of you my child.”- She says after coming back to her senses.

I replied nonchalantly, -“Guess what sister, He already did.”

A Moral Quandary.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. "


I was standing in front of the lift with a bunch of Juniors and a senior. It seemed as if the boisterous lot were taking the seniors "case". Reason being he was dating one of their classmate who coincidentally (Read: To my horror) was also part of the same group. I don't know what was so funny that the girl kept falling on the guy at the interval of every micro second. I was appalled and amused at the same time when the girl decided to show her friends the love bite (er!) she had assiduously gifted her boyfriend with. The poor guy was so embarrassed that I could almost sympathize with the fella. Later in the lift(where the guy had chose not to enter) I wondered what is all this fuss about anyway?

Is it okay to act pricey just because you are teenager whose hormones wreck havoc every time you meet anyone of the opposite sex? Where exactly does the fun part end and commitment come in? I know that I have absolutely no right to comment about other people's relationships and the choices they make but there is this jittery feeling inside me which somehow I can't do away with. I am not anti sex or physical love or whatever they call it these days but somehow flaunting "it" doesn't go down too well with me. I mean since when did love become a commodity, a status symbol, a cult which would make you the next "in" thing in your immediate surrounding.

I know that you are wondering as to why I think so much. May be because I find it difficult to let go . May be I am too old fashioned, too prejudiced and I am being highly unreasonable when I start judging people on such grounds. I am in a moral quandary and I know that. I don't expect the society to change for me, but I hope certain things do change, for the better. Who decides what is better? You, Me all of Us. Again, I am not against infatuated teenagers eagerly waiting to profess their unconditional affection, I am just saying that love deserves something better. Henry Ellis had once said,- "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." But then when do you hold on and when should you let go??

Love?Really??Like REAAALLLYY??

It is amazing how little I know you
It is amazing how you make me laugh
It is amazing how you inevitably lit up my day
Whenever I see you,
It is amazing how every word you say makes me turn pink
Like a little girl,
It is amazing how little I know you
It is amazing how I have grown to love every bit of you

I am not quite poetic but it has been such a long time since I have felt my heart fluttering like a twelve year old. I do realize the fact that I am no more in a missionary school where falling in love is the most precocious sin one could ever commit, but somehow I am unable to contain myself and be in terms with my old self, who would laugh at such situations in front of people and would possibly try to comfort oneself behind close doors. Yeah! I have never been the kinds who could go to someone and say,-"Believe it or not, I like you and I hope you would someday like me as much as I do." Nay, That has never been me.

But today, the eighteen year old me feels as if the Gods are conspiring against me. Yes, I am shit scared. And the worst part is, I don't know what to do about it. I can't get the person out of my mind. And for the first time, I feel I need to do something about it. Now,I don't know what "Something" implies but yes, at times I am at such close proximity with him (Two floors ya! Samjha Karo), that I might just blurt out the truth and make an absolute fool of myself. Trust me, there is a high chance of that happening!

My friends are bewildered because in the one year they have known me, I have never behaved this insanely. I have never danced in the rains, I have never liked anyone without questioning myself,-"What if he never likes me back?." Yes, that question still lingers in my mind, but I have to stop bothering and start giving life a chance. I wouldn't do something absolutely irrational but I somehow feel, I am done justifying myself and I guess I have to think afresh and start anew, for the person who never fails to bring a smile on my face :)

"In your absence my Heart goes stronger, In your presence I fall in Love again."
I guess I know the meaning of this quote now :)

P.S- For all the inquisitive souls who are dying to know who the person is, Samjhne waale ko isharahi kaafi hota hai! (LOL) :D

Anyway I don't remember the last time I had been so happy.

Cheers,
Amrita