Because Like everything else, Life deserves a second chance..

"Der lagi lekin
Maine ab hai
Jeena seekh liya
Jaise bhi ho din
Maine ab hai
Jeena seekh liya"

Siddhartha sat on a chair outside the emergency ward, fiddling with just about anything within his reach. He glimpsed through magazines, tried solving the crossword, ran his hands through his unkempt hair and tapped his feet till the nurse finally told him to shut up. He walked up and down the staircase, left to right of the corridor but every inch of movement, reminded him of last night. Of the fact that, an innocent girl was out there fighting for her life ONLY because his supremely callous and vile self. Only because of his self imposed authority over an individual whose lone fault was to like him. Only because he never really intended to reciprocate her feelings, or anyone else's for that matter.

The doctor came out of the room, looking exhausted. Siddhartha rushed towards him, teary eyed.
" Doctor ho-w how how is she now? How is she?"
" I am sorry." the doctor replied in a matter of fact way.
" What? No. Please.No."
" We saved her."
"Good lord! You nearly killed me there..."
"But.."
"BUT?"
"Her legs. both. Had to be amputated. I am sorry."

"Whaa.."- Siddhartha gasped.
He fell back on the chair disconcerted, vehemently shaking his head.
"This..this..cant happen..Ah!! Ahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." An excruciating pain caught him off guard and made him shiver in fear and anguish.

**************************
Roshni lay on the bed, tossing from one side to another. She was coming back to senses finally,after been kept under sedatives for four days . Her body was weak, the pain was unbearable. She opened her eyes to be greeted with a fractured limb. She tried moving her legs. After several attempts she realized she could not feel them. She moved her good arm over her posterior self. Her eyes widened with disbelief."

A nurse came in.
"Good you are back to your senses. There is a visitor for you."
"Nurse, where, where are my legs?" - croaked Roshni.
" Oh, they didn't tell you..did they?"
"Tell me whaa--t??"
"Your legs had to be amputated."
"Huh? what? No..Please No...It was my mistake.I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have gone. I can't, I can't lose my legs. No..No..No..Please."
"Stay calm. You have a visitor."
" I lost my...I" - Roshni voice croaked. She realized she could speak no more. Her parents. What would she tell them ? ..

The door opened with a screeching sound. Roshni lay on the bed without any movement.

"Roshni."
The voice.That voice.It was him. "Him" . What would, what could she possibly tell someone who has literally crippled her for the rest of her life?"
"Roshni. I am sorry. If there is anything..."

Siddhartha could see Roshni's face clearly in the dimly lit room. He could see the utter despair with which she tried to hide her tears. He could feel the presence of her amputated legs lost under the white sheets trying to find their way. A way to not depend on another mortal for the rest of their lives. The room was uncannily silent. No one said a word.

Siddhartha did not try to hold her hand. That was a right he could never earn in this lifetime, at least. He could hear Roshni's muffled sobs, sitting on a couch about a meter away.

"If there is anything..." - he started of from where he left.
"Leave."
"What?"
"I said, Leave, L-E-A-V-E, Leave. Please Leave."
"I.."
Roshni turned her head, a stream of tears ticked down her cheeks as she realized that a juvenile crush had almost cost her life. She could never risk falling in love again. She has to make the best of whatever she has left now. Life doesn't give much of a choice to a seventeen year old, Does it?

Siddhartha stood outside the Emergency ward looking at the frail silhouette trying to adjust itself on the hospital bed. Sleep wouldn't come easy, neither for her, nor for him. Because for the first in his life he wasn't condescending to the opposite sex. For the first time in his life, he was ready to risk everything, his job, his career, his weekend booze parties at the cost of staying in a Government hospital to see Roshni recover fast and get discharged as soon as possible. It wasn't pity and he knew that. It was something else. Her memories will continue to haunt her and forgiveness will never come easy. But for the first time, he wanted to try even at the cost of appearing stupid and insensitive. May be someday,she will truly forgive him. And to wake up to that day would be Siddhartha's dream in life. Not to buy a Porsche, a Ferrari or own a pent house. Forgiveness was all he wanted.

"I will write to you
when the time is right
to write,
to you.

I will explain
what I can't
when I can,
talk to you.

It won't be long
or take long
or feel wrong
to you.

It won't be rude
or angsty or real
but it will
be the truth
to you

I will write
soon;
and I won't,
pass it on
to you."

- Rishi Razdaan

P.S - This story is a continuation of something I written a while ago. I write this especially at the insistence of a particular friend who was too eager to know what happens next.

Happy Birthday to Me..

"It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me."- Ellen Glasgow

So it is my birthday again. But for some reason the very fact that I am turning nineteen refuses to delight me. I dream of acheiving great heights, of falling in love, of getting drunk and throwing up on a stranger but at the same time I dont want to grow up. Why? I don't know.

Living in a new city (not so new any more) has its own advantages. For one it is your chance to start all over. No one will be judgemental, no one will tell you what is good for you and whats not. No one will ask about that teacher who humiliated you on your last school day, no one will laugh or smirk at you because you stutter while you speak. No one. But as you start adujusting in the same place it brings back memories of the past.

Your trying to build an image. Lets call it self improvement. And you would obviously want people to like you for the fact that you are jovial, adorable and have two left foot. Guess what they already do. What they don't know is that inside the same person lies a soul which for different reasons is slowing withering away. They think its a "mood swing", but you obviously know better. And then comes your birthday.

Golly jee!! A day to make merry and rejoice your own existence. But what if you are not so proud of it? Your newly made friends expect to adorn your face with chocolate cake which they lovingly baked/bought for you while you attend the calls of your near and dear ones. But what if no one calls? It is the stroke of midnight and your phone doesn't ring, not for a single time. Oh cmon your parents are getting old. They will definitely wish you in the morning. Your brother? Darn! He must have been really busy with his work. The few friends you had?? They will TEXT you, anytime soon. And right at that momment you realize, its not your birthday, it is your existence you are scared of. You are petrified that one day people will just forget that there was a girl named "Amrita" or Semma or Riya or whatever. You will just cease to exist.

Call me paranoid but I live in fear of that day. I don't know whether it is the case with other people as well. Even when I don't tell anyone about it, I invariably start expecting certain things from people whom I love,and I fear that they might not feel the same way. That fear is what drives me, that fear is what makes me cry behind closed doors. I am insecure and I fear that this feeling of losing people won't ever go. That is why my birthday, somehow, doesn't cheer me up. But I hope it will someday. Till then, let me end with this:

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."- Albert Camus

Yours truly.

Uncomfortably Numb...

What can we take on trust
in this uncertain life? Happiness, greatness,
pride - nothing is secure, nothing keeps.
~Euripides, Hecuba


I tried desperately not to look at him. I tried to hide my tears. I failed, miserably. Somehow I felt that he will come by, console me, and give me a tight hug. Nothing happened. Nothing ever did. My mind was hounded by sudden flashbacks. His funny yet sensitive face was all I could see when I closed my eyes. As I walked back in the rain, all I could imagine was that he will come running like a bollywood hero, grab me, and make my pain vanish into thin air.

“What was I thinking?”- I wondered. What was I thinking when I became friends with him. What was I thinking when I let him open my hair, cup my face and plant a gentle kiss on my lips? What did he ever do to deserve any of that? What was I thinking when I lied to my mother about an assignment when all I did was get drunk in his filthy apartment and run around stark naked while he videotaped my antics on his expensive camera phone? What was I thinking?

I am a debutante porn star, what a joke! I am sure every guy in this college has the damned video which might later assist him in making sweet love to himself. Why God, why me? I shouted. A bisexual replied from somewhere, -“ ooooo…..babbbyy….fuck thy lord…fuck him…fuck him.” I looked around, disgruntled. Not a single person wanted to talk to me. I am the scandalous whore. And Vikram? Oh, that bastard has a new chick sucking his cock now.

I am not a princess after all. And there obviously isn’t any man who would have the balls to like me, cause I have already “given my flower” to someone whose presence has shaken the core of my very existence. To hell with everything. I close my eyes, again. I am in a missionary school where my principal faints after I utter a rather commonplace expletive.

“Don’t let the devil get the better of you my child.”- She says after coming back to her senses.

I replied nonchalantly, -“Guess what sister, He already did.”

A Moral Quandary.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. "


I was standing in front of the lift with a bunch of Juniors and a senior. It seemed as if the boisterous lot were taking the seniors "case". Reason being he was dating one of their classmate who coincidentally (Read: To my horror) was also part of the same group. I don't know what was so funny that the girl kept falling on the guy at the interval of every micro second. I was appalled and amused at the same time when the girl decided to show her friends the love bite (er!) she had assiduously gifted her boyfriend with. The poor guy was so embarrassed that I could almost sympathize with the fella. Later in the lift(where the guy had chose not to enter) I wondered what is all this fuss about anyway?

Is it okay to act pricey just because you are teenager whose hormones wreck havoc every time you meet anyone of the opposite sex? Where exactly does the fun part end and commitment come in? I know that I have absolutely no right to comment about other people's relationships and the choices they make but there is this jittery feeling inside me which somehow I can't do away with. I am not anti sex or physical love or whatever they call it these days but somehow flaunting "it" doesn't go down too well with me. I mean since when did love become a commodity, a status symbol, a cult which would make you the next "in" thing in your immediate surrounding.

I know that you are wondering as to why I think so much. May be because I find it difficult to let go . May be I am too old fashioned, too prejudiced and I am being highly unreasonable when I start judging people on such grounds. I am in a moral quandary and I know that. I don't expect the society to change for me, but I hope certain things do change, for the better. Who decides what is better? You, Me all of Us. Again, I am not against infatuated teenagers eagerly waiting to profess their unconditional affection, I am just saying that love deserves something better. Henry Ellis had once said,- "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." But then when do you hold on and when should you let go??

Love?Really??Like REAAALLLYY??

It is amazing how little I know you
It is amazing how you make me laugh
It is amazing how you inevitably lit up my day
Whenever I see you,
It is amazing how every word you say makes me turn pink
Like a little girl,
It is amazing how little I know you
It is amazing how I have grown to love every bit of you

I am not quite poetic but it has been such a long time since I have felt my heart fluttering like a twelve year old. I do realize the fact that I am no more in a missionary school where falling in love is the most precocious sin one could ever commit, but somehow I am unable to contain myself and be in terms with my old self, who would laugh at such situations in front of people and would possibly try to comfort oneself behind close doors. Yeah! I have never been the kinds who could go to someone and say,-"Believe it or not, I like you and I hope you would someday like me as much as I do." Nay, That has never been me.

But today, the eighteen year old me feels as if the Gods are conspiring against me. Yes, I am shit scared. And the worst part is, I don't know what to do about it. I can't get the person out of my mind. And for the first time, I feel I need to do something about it. Now,I don't know what "Something" implies but yes, at times I am at such close proximity with him (Two floors ya! Samjha Karo), that I might just blurt out the truth and make an absolute fool of myself. Trust me, there is a high chance of that happening!

My friends are bewildered because in the one year they have known me, I have never behaved this insanely. I have never danced in the rains, I have never liked anyone without questioning myself,-"What if he never likes me back?." Yes, that question still lingers in my mind, but I have to stop bothering and start giving life a chance. I wouldn't do something absolutely irrational but I somehow feel, I am done justifying myself and I guess I have to think afresh and start anew, for the person who never fails to bring a smile on my face :)

"In your absence my Heart goes stronger, In your presence I fall in Love again."
I guess I know the meaning of this quote now :)

P.S- For all the inquisitive souls who are dying to know who the person is, Samjhne waale ko isharahi kaafi hota hai! (LOL) :D

Anyway I don't remember the last time I had been so happy.

Cheers,
Amrita

Because I loved you....

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

~The Bible

All she knew was that she had never been this excited in her life.For her it was nothing short of a dream coming true. I mean who gets the chance to meet her childhood crush six years after she had first set her eyes on him?She stood in the shower, unable to stay still. For a profound yet erotic moment she could feel his arms closing around her petite self. She could imagine him kissing her gently on her neck and then....

"Roshni,will you be out already??"
"Yes Mom, YES."

***************

As Roshni changed her evening attire for about a millionth time she wondered what would it be like when she finally gets to meet Sid. Will she be able to speak anything? Was there any possibility that she could faint or worse still, throw up because of not eating anything out of sheer excitement? Without much ado, she looked into the mirror for the umpteenth time, and walked out of the room her feet still shaking out of nervousness. She wondered for the first time in her life of having known Siddhartha, -" Is it Okay to build castles in the air? To fight for and have conviction in a person she has met only once and knows very, very little about??"

Sid(as his friends called him)is a marine engineer by profession. His work made him travel, a lot, but somewhere down the line, he lost himself. And meeting Roshni was just like another futile attempt of getting back at life. It was but obvious that he did not like her even remotely enough to bump into her on a social networking site subtly demand an urgent meetup (it would not be apt to call it a "date"). In reality Sid had detested the sight of Roshni from the moment he had first seen her. She seemed quiet yet oddly intimidating for some reason. She stared at him without a care in the world and that made him uncomfortable as ever. As a fourteen year old she tried to contact him numerous times, but he had never felt the same. Her untimely calls embarrassed seventeen year old Sid, especially when he was with his friends.She was not his "type" he claimed and promptly told her the same. Roshni vowed never to fall in Love again, but when the same person decided to drop her a friend request, her old feelings came back to her and her happiness knew no bounds.

**************************************
Roshni arrived at the given location with her heart beating like a thousand times faster than usual. She felt scared, ecstatic,nostalgic all at the same time. Siddhartha was not there. She waited for what seemed liked eternity to find a bunch of hooligans getting down an auto and approaching her. She chanted in her mind-"God please let Sid not be one of them, Please, Please.."

"Roshni are you?"- one of them asked her. The similarity he had with Sid, was ridiculous.
"Let go"
"Oh. Hello I am Siddhartha. You laaabhhh me. Don't you?"
It was like all her dreams for the day came crashing down and merged into oblivion. "No, NO, I must get out of here before something else happened."- Roshni murmured to herself.
"Excuse me, I need to go."
"Itni jaldi kaha jaogi? Meri chhaammackchallo." said Sid smacking his lips in a dirty fashion.
"Leave me alone.", around this time the other guys too had surrounded her.
"Suna nehi Munni ko jane do.."
" LEAVE ME ALONE." - Roshni shouted.
"But you laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbbbbbbhh me."
"Just let go. JUST LET GO."

This time surprisingly everyone had relented and Roshni started walking towards the direction she had come from, with tears in her eyes. She has almost reached when she looked back and unable to contain herself any longer she did something she yelled-
"Yes I loved you. As if that is going to matter anyway. You don't like me, BIG DEAL. But you have absolutely no right to hurt someone for loving you without reason or expectation. As far as I am concerned, I am tired of putting my self respect at stake time and again for an insensitive wretch like you. It will hard but yes Mr Siddhartha I AM DONE, I AM DONE being in love with you....."

What followed next was a distant wail and a screeching sound of a vehemently speeding vehicle. Siddhartha look back to find Roshni lying in pool of blood, severely injured. Ignoring his friends advice of fleeing the place, he rushed towards her and helplessly called her name, as though it would help in anyway. "It is my fault. All my fault. MY DAMNED FAULT. Please Roshni wake up, I promise not to hurt anyone again..Please, Please." Within moments the wary Sid was transformed into someone his old self could never identify with. He stood in the middle of the road, shouting for a cab to take her to the Hospital. In the meantime, Roshni was fast receding towards the other world, where she hoped life would be a little less painful...


This is the first part of a story which has been hovering in my mind for quite some time. Let me know whether I should proceed with the same.
Love,
Amrita

The Beginning of the End?

“And here it starts.”

It was my first time at a red light area. I did not really know what to expect. For a brief moment I was blinded. Blinded by the look of dingy alleys and the smell of a concoction of sweat and cheap perfume. It was early evening and the lane had just started filling up. I spotted about a dozen of women wearing clothes which clung onto their bodies unnecessarily. The excess powder on their round faces had already started wearing off due to the humid weather. I saw a boy who rather casually went inside one of the buildings with a young girl by his side. I felt my fingers clench as a sudden stiffness caught hold of my entire body like an epileptic fit. The children roamed around in the streets, their bodies filled with dirt and their feet sore. I was shocked to find a young boy of seven uttering profanities just like a priest chanting mantras in a temple. There was water flowing all over the place which made me recollect the supposedly simple fact that every young girl in the area was supposed to follow her mother’s footsteps and had to undergo training for it, where such huge amounts of water found its purpose. The buildings were dilapidated and structured in a strange fashion. Every house was connected to the other in some extremely clandestine and dangerous manner. I went inside such a building with a little kid who most graciously agreed to guide me. I found broken bottle of inexpensive liquor, drunken men strewing the unclean floors while the rest of the tenants were smoking ‘bidis’ as their ‘gharwali’ continued with her household chores. I finally reached the terrace and after panting heavily for a few moments, I looked up at the sky. It somehow appeared condescending, as if it were looking down on the people of this place. The other multi- storied buildings were visible but were located far away from my present location. Somehow it alluded me to a more meaningful metaphor, because at the end of it all these buildings are representative of people like us who never really bother about taking a closer look at such sensitive issues.

Yesterday was different. A little darker may be. I loved the children. Some of their names are written in my notebook. I will always remember them. I hope they remember me too. I hope I was not just another stranger in their lives with a desperate attempt to sympathize with them.