Love Pain Desire Sorrow Guilt and Recovery!

"You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end."

Sometimes people just move in and out of your lives without making any impact but at times within a short span of time the impact is so prominent that you just don’t want to let go of things no matter what. It had happened five years back in the new year’s eve of 2006 when I was a thirteen year old “Child”, naïve and unsure of everything I did. So, a New Year party seemed like a novelty when my mom decided to take me to one organised by one of her clients. Supposedly, this filthy rich guy from California had a very good way with people, which however did not fail to convince my mom to join in. That night turned out to be eventful indeed but it exposed me to certain feelings which changed my life forever.

31st December, 2005:
6 30 pm: Second day of *monthly sickness*. I felt an excruciating pain in my stomach as I stepped into the car having terrible premonitions of fainting on the dance floor.
7 30 pm: On my way to Debopom uncle’s fancy apartment at Ballygaunge. I was looking into the mirror, dabbing more and more lip gloss. I was somehow much more excited than I had expected myself to be. Quoting myself from a diary written a few months later,-“I somehow felt, I would meet someone who would steal my heart”. (Corny right? I know but then for someone whose idol was Shahrukh khan, these were the things you could expect most. )
8 00 pm: I am in the apartment (finally!) trying to adjust myself on the chair in a position which would cause the least amount of pain. Crowd??No crowd, just an empty place with plenty of heart-shaped balloons and disco lights (which were fortunately switched off).
8 30 pm: Still NO crowd and I had finally someone of my age to talk to. There was this girl who took care of Debopom uncle’s mother in whom I had found a friend. She was a simple sweet girl and since we had nothing to do, we played with the balloons till it was time for dinner.
10 30 pm: Finally some crowd had started pouring in but I was too tired to notice them anyways. I proceeded for dinner and finally felt happy on seeing my favourite dishes on the platter.
11 00 pm: I was busy munching a chicken piece when the music grew surprisingly loud. The song was “Ashique Banaya Apne”, remix version (remember Reshamiya was quite a rage back then?)I rushed outside to see what was happening. Two guys, a few years elder to me were dancing to the track accompanied by whistles, hooting and what not. One of them grabbed my attention immediately and for the rest of the night, I just could not move my eyes from him. He wore black-rimmed spectacles and was very fair. He was not exactly what you could “handsome” but there was this air about him which irrevocably drew me towards him. He wore black trousers, a black shirt and a black blazer which sharply contrasted his complexion. I knew absolutely nothing about him, in my heart I knew it was sheer foolishness but then I tried to hold on to the moment by just looking at him noticing everything. From how he smiled to the way he held his drink and so on and forth. Time passed but I had lost count of it…….
There was this lady who sat next to me and passed out in the chair itself and fell with a loud thud. However, the noise got drowned in the loud music played in the background and nobody seemed enthusiastic enough to even notice her plight (not even that lady herself!).Suddenly someone came from behind to help her out and without any doubt it was the same person whom I “fell” for. After that he came and sat next to me. I could literally feel the Goosebumps on my skin then. Surprisingly, he initiated the conversation and asked me my name and then introduced himself. After talking for a while he joined his friends and I knew for a fact that I had just witnessed something which exposed me to an array of emotions which I could not question or understand. Later that night we were on way to an ice-cream parlour and he happened to sit beside me in the car. Unfortunately, the parlour was closed and our parents decided to part for that night. Thus, that eventful night came to a close but I knew for a fact that it was the end to a new beginning, as it was the blossoming of new found love in my heart.

Sadly, I had no idea something as divine as love could have its own terms and conditions. I had no clue that my affection for someone could be misunderstood as “precocious nature” of a teenager having “hormonal changes”. Anyways, for the next two months we were out of contact although I knew my brother had his phone no. It was finally in the month of March, when my annual exams were over that I decided to give him a call. He seemed like his normal self when we first spoke but I was foolish enough to test his patience by asking him silly questions (which seemed very sensible back then) and messaging him through the entire day. After a few days he called up my brother saying that I was like his “sister” and he was unable to understand why I behaved the way I did. After getting a terrible scolding from my brother I promised myself that I will never try to contact him.

In the span of five years it has so turned out that I am not too good with keeping my word as I did try to get in touch with him off and on. However this time I took a different route of social networking commonly called as Facebook. He still is a part of my friend list but sadly, has never encouraged much of a conversation with him. I have realized that I am unwanted in his life but I am yet to make piece with that piece of fact. It is just so difficult to not have feelings for a person in spite of knowing that he can never reciprocate the desired feeling. Nevertheless, he daunting absence inspired me to write, and today as I type these words memories of that day keeps reappearing in my mind. I keep comforting myself by saying that some things are meant to be short and precise but that does not, in any way change the way you feel about people or yourself. From my experience I have learnt one thing, two actually. Firstly, to not cling on to people who do not value you as a person and second being to never compromise my self respect. In these five years I have witnessed my growth as a person, and it’s surprising to realize how I have been there for myself, when nobody actually bothered to even ask me how I was. Lastly quoting Mariah Carey-“"It's a long road when you face the world alone, when no one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within your soul, and the emptiness you felt will disappear."

Whose Fault is it anyway??

“I remember falling off the road while walking, with a sudden thud. My friend tried to catch hold of me but it was already too late, too late for me choose a different lane or even think of standing up for myself. He did what he had to and within a snap of a second that scum of a guy was gone. He almost vanished into the thin air after scarring me for life.”

As a fourteen year old I was clueless about my next move. “Should I report to the police or talk to my mom first?”-I wondered. But due to a sudden upturn of events I ended up doing nothing really to make myself feel better. Letting my mom know about it would mean that she would become sad and over protective about me which I obviously did not want. And the police possibly could have ignored me as a precocious little chap, trying to make my presence felt. So, I tried to forget about that incident. Although I failed miserably, some questions came up which made me try and see things in a different light altogether.

In spite of being a hardcore feminist I tried to think about the person who allegedly tried to take advantage of my situation. Somehow I felt that there is a story behind the making every accused, every criminal. I mean think about it, even the ones who proclaim that they do “It” just for fun must have their own reasons to invade someone’s personal space. Anything or anyone like a super nagging ex-girlfriend who never really liked him and chose someone else over him because he just wasn’t “Man” enough. The guy is enraged and because he can’t obviously do anything to change the past he goes and abuses a random girl to prove that himself to someone who obviously doesn’t give a damn anyways. The role of the girlfriend is passed on to family members (brother, mother, father) or a “Close” buddy from time to time. However although no one notices, the extent of damage caused is beyond measure. And the only justified way of taking all that anger and frustration out is to harm an unknown person whose life just never remains the same again. In the end, No one really cares, except for the guy who does not regret his decision but is not happy either. The girl cries her way to sleep wakes up in the middle of the night and does not feel at ease with a male company for a long time (even if it does not show on her face).

So what could possibly be the solution or is there any solution at all? If we were to stop this thing, the initiative must begin at a nascent stage but mostly we are not in control of the kind of people we meet and who influence us (knowingly or unknowingly). Let’s face it, we humans are not even remotely close to perfect, we let the wrong people hurt us and after that we don’t know what to do. However, it does not mean that we can’t try. I am not saying that self control comes easy but it is worth the effort. If we start reciprocating hatred then what is the need of commitments and relationships anyways? Lastly we should take chances, in love, life and relationships and try and forgive people no matter what their fault is. “To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”