Feeling It

You know how it is? How it always is? You think you are invincible, but then just one small thing makes your world collapse. 

All your life you have been running from it. Commitment scares you. Your inability to hide your emotions scares you. The fact that you will feel a certain way about someone and that you will never matter to them, the way they do to you... scares you. 

I have never been the one for pushing boundaries. Complacency works perfectly for me because it protects my timid little soul from getting hurt and crushed, in an instant. But when you want lemonade from life, it will certainly offer you a glass of bitter gourd juice and expect you to be okay with it. 

This post is for a friend who teaches me something every day. Her unabashed nature, her insistence on including me in the craziest of activities, her inherent ability to find the best in people inspires me, although I don't tell her this often, as I should. 

Yesterday, early in the morning, she had to catch a flight back home. She didn't wake me up because I am a grumpy cat monster who can't do without 10 hours of blissful nap time. So she left, without letting me hug her goodbye. 

To be honest, I feel a huge void right now. Missing, dismissing, and reeling from the fact that I won't see her for over a week. Also hating how feelings catch up rather innocently, when you have every mind to procrastinate your sentiments till they are ready to explode like an unmanageable blister on your face. 

I guess the best people in your life will be the first ones to throw you in the pool to learn swimming, even though you are terrified. It is an important life skill they'll say, never promising that you'll NOT be scared or that your lungs will NOT bloat up because of the atrocious salty water you'll keep swallowing. 

But they will make sure of one thing though. 

That you keep putting yourself out there. Dance like no one's watching, swim like your bum is on fire and sing, because you could very well be the next Adele in making (maybe not, actually mostly not). 

And of course, feel what you are feeling... because you live only once. 

Lingering Tides

“She imagines him imagining her. This is her salvation.” — Margaret Atwood

At times, I don’t think a lull, a seepage of irreverent thoughts or a blow to my head could be, would be as detrimental as the idea of a future – without you. For the longest time, it seemed futile to even think about what if we did make it, you know? Right now, taking one day at a time seems tougher than trekking a mountain; and considering that I am the laziest and the slowest person on the planet that could very well imply the end of me.

I would like to think of myself as you think of me, “the girl who writes like it’s raining in the middle of May”. I want to be okay with each passing day which makes me forget how it feels to stand next to you, inhaling the faint deodorant on you which assures me I am home, where your hands and mine forever keep reaching out for each other.  

Is love enough to battle wary? Is trust enough to ward off personal insecurities? Will our misunderstandings ever get the better of us?

I wish I wasn’t as sad as I am, now. I wish that it didn’t seem like a battle to make myself understood. It was alright that we mutually hurt each other, only if we could move past it. 

Let’s not treat love like a competition but vouch only for ourselves. Can we retain even an inkling of admiration and not forget that words when not used well, shatters one’s sense of being?

Too many questions but I have just one answer. I love you, I know you do too. And I hope that’ll someday be enough.