A person from an unknown world had once commented on one of my blog posts with the following words:
"That angst of yours is really moving. I might say that I can find distant echoes but then every one is different. Hope you find the other side of life more often..."
The post was about a seventeen year old me who was tired of not being able to live up to her family's expectations. It's almost the same today,except that I have stopped caring. Also I have come to deal with the fact that nothing goes on forever. We have to take life as it comes and try to make the most out of it. But if ever I start contemplating, I realize I am the same girl, who would just about anything to persuade her Dadu to read her article in a newspaper. He is in his late 80's, so he just picks up the newspaper flimsily, sees my name and puts it down. I hadn't seen Dadu for most of my life for a fight he had with his sons. His magnanimous ego did not let him to at least retain his ties with his grand daughter who couldn't understand why she was being taken away from the person who used to put her to sleep, every night.
I haven't ever complained, but I damn well feel I have the right too. And suddenly the angst is replaced by an abominable fear which simply refuses to let go of me. Every time I come close to liking somebody I prefer to shrug it off by saying, "He is going to leave, He will leave, what will I do then, how will I survive?"
It is bizarre, yet true. And I know I need to let go. But the pull is just too strong.
In the first post of my graduating year, I hope I find it easier to gather myself and start afresh. I hope I can forgive people easily, stop complaining about what's not working and focus on what is. Life could be beautiful if we gave it a chance, wouldn't it? And this is not one of those frivolous resolutions we make towards the beginning of every year. Having said that, I wish I could live up to each of the above criterion as much as I possibly could.
Here's to a new year where we are a little easy on ourselves. Let the fear of failing not take us away from giving life a chance, of giving ourselves a chance.
