And there he was....

And there he stood unaffected by the noise around him….And there he was oblivious to anything that happened near him. I was touched by the intensity in his eyes. For some reason I could not stop looking at him. His mere presence made me curious and conscious of my own self. He was tall, lean and excruciatingly pale. Light brown beard spread generously across his face adding to his intriguing personality. I had never seen him talking to anyone which made me wonder-“Is he always this quiet?”…

The crowd grew wilder but he still stood there without any hint of expression on his face. I moved towards him with evident awkwardness. I was a waitress, so maybe I chance of approaching him without anyone noticing. My hand trembled as I moved towards him. “What would I say?”-asked my mind…”Do your JOB”- answer my brain. “Would he even respond”-I wondered as I finally went and asked if he would want a drink.

“NO, Thank You, I don’t drink” his voice was almost inaudible.
“Oh you don’t?”-I was louder than my meeker self and I hated myself for that.
“DO you have a problem with that?”- He asked with his brown eyes flickering for a moment and dying down once again.
“Ah…I..Ummm…Nahh..Nooo...NO Sir, Why should, Why should I have a problem, Excuse me Sir” and I left as my face flushed with embarrassment.
I felt too humiliated to even look at him after that. I constantly reminded myself of how my landlady would kick me out if I did not pay the rent and with that note I had almost forgotten about that man. IT was one in the night when I finally got off work and I decided to walk back home since a waitress cannot demand a lift back home.

And then it happened. For quite some time before that I heard a group of guys on a jeep behind me passing snide comments. I ignored them and kept walking. The very next moment I was lying on the ground with a man over me. I heard a bottle crack next to him as he held my shivering self. His grasp became tighter as I sat up .I realized that I was attacked with an acid bottle and it was the man from the party who had saved me and had bore the brunt of it all.

Being the daughter of a nurse I thought that it would be better to take him back home and treat him there. He barely spoke through the journey and sat calmly as if nothing had happened. On reaching home I got everything in place and asked him to remove his shirt so that I could treat the wound better. As he undressed, I could not help but stare at his magnificent structure. He was just so PERFECT…I shamelessly wondered what would it be like to have him hold me in his arms once again. And then I began treating him, but still no movement. His entire back was burnt but it looked as if his purpose in life was much greater than the ordinary pains and joys which haunted us day in and out.

After applying the first aid I asked him whether he would like something to eat. He nodded his head grimly to indicate that he was not hungry. I asked him to rest and left the room. I had a disturbed sleep that night and woke up rather early to find that he had left already with a note saying-“Thank You for yesterday”.

I was distracted the entire day and had terrible premonitions .The next morning I found his picture on the front page of a newspaper saying-“Terrorist killed in police encounter.” I sat on the bed with a heavy thud; I felt t as if I had lost a part of me. It was a very difficult moment considering the fact that he was a stranger who made me feel things I had given up on a long ago…………

“What thhhhe…”- my roommate had just poured a bucket of old water on me.
“Wake up Maam…you are already late for college”
“Yeah right”….I said sleepily as I got ready to be lost in the monotony of daily life, completely forgetting about the dream I had seen last night.

Love Pain Desire Sorrow Guilt and Recovery!

"You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end."

Sometimes people just move in and out of your lives without making any impact but at times within a short span of time the impact is so prominent that you just don’t want to let go of things no matter what. It had happened five years back in the new year’s eve of 2006 when I was a thirteen year old “Child”, naïve and unsure of everything I did. So, a New Year party seemed like a novelty when my mom decided to take me to one organised by one of her clients. Supposedly, this filthy rich guy from California had a very good way with people, which however did not fail to convince my mom to join in. That night turned out to be eventful indeed but it exposed me to certain feelings which changed my life forever.

31st December, 2005:
6 30 pm: Second day of *monthly sickness*. I felt an excruciating pain in my stomach as I stepped into the car having terrible premonitions of fainting on the dance floor.
7 30 pm: On my way to Debopom uncle’s fancy apartment at Ballygaunge. I was looking into the mirror, dabbing more and more lip gloss. I was somehow much more excited than I had expected myself to be. Quoting myself from a diary written a few months later,-“I somehow felt, I would meet someone who would steal my heart”. (Corny right? I know but then for someone whose idol was Shahrukh khan, these were the things you could expect most. )
8 00 pm: I am in the apartment (finally!) trying to adjust myself on the chair in a position which would cause the least amount of pain. Crowd??No crowd, just an empty place with plenty of heart-shaped balloons and disco lights (which were fortunately switched off).
8 30 pm: Still NO crowd and I had finally someone of my age to talk to. There was this girl who took care of Debopom uncle’s mother in whom I had found a friend. She was a simple sweet girl and since we had nothing to do, we played with the balloons till it was time for dinner.
10 30 pm: Finally some crowd had started pouring in but I was too tired to notice them anyways. I proceeded for dinner and finally felt happy on seeing my favourite dishes on the platter.
11 00 pm: I was busy munching a chicken piece when the music grew surprisingly loud. The song was “Ashique Banaya Apne”, remix version (remember Reshamiya was quite a rage back then?)I rushed outside to see what was happening. Two guys, a few years elder to me were dancing to the track accompanied by whistles, hooting and what not. One of them grabbed my attention immediately and for the rest of the night, I just could not move my eyes from him. He wore black-rimmed spectacles and was very fair. He was not exactly what you could “handsome” but there was this air about him which irrevocably drew me towards him. He wore black trousers, a black shirt and a black blazer which sharply contrasted his complexion. I knew absolutely nothing about him, in my heart I knew it was sheer foolishness but then I tried to hold on to the moment by just looking at him noticing everything. From how he smiled to the way he held his drink and so on and forth. Time passed but I had lost count of it…….
There was this lady who sat next to me and passed out in the chair itself and fell with a loud thud. However, the noise got drowned in the loud music played in the background and nobody seemed enthusiastic enough to even notice her plight (not even that lady herself!).Suddenly someone came from behind to help her out and without any doubt it was the same person whom I “fell” for. After that he came and sat next to me. I could literally feel the Goosebumps on my skin then. Surprisingly, he initiated the conversation and asked me my name and then introduced himself. After talking for a while he joined his friends and I knew for a fact that I had just witnessed something which exposed me to an array of emotions which I could not question or understand. Later that night we were on way to an ice-cream parlour and he happened to sit beside me in the car. Unfortunately, the parlour was closed and our parents decided to part for that night. Thus, that eventful night came to a close but I knew for a fact that it was the end to a new beginning, as it was the blossoming of new found love in my heart.

Sadly, I had no idea something as divine as love could have its own terms and conditions. I had no clue that my affection for someone could be misunderstood as “precocious nature” of a teenager having “hormonal changes”. Anyways, for the next two months we were out of contact although I knew my brother had his phone no. It was finally in the month of March, when my annual exams were over that I decided to give him a call. He seemed like his normal self when we first spoke but I was foolish enough to test his patience by asking him silly questions (which seemed very sensible back then) and messaging him through the entire day. After a few days he called up my brother saying that I was like his “sister” and he was unable to understand why I behaved the way I did. After getting a terrible scolding from my brother I promised myself that I will never try to contact him.

In the span of five years it has so turned out that I am not too good with keeping my word as I did try to get in touch with him off and on. However this time I took a different route of social networking commonly called as Facebook. He still is a part of my friend list but sadly, has never encouraged much of a conversation with him. I have realized that I am unwanted in his life but I am yet to make piece with that piece of fact. It is just so difficult to not have feelings for a person in spite of knowing that he can never reciprocate the desired feeling. Nevertheless, he daunting absence inspired me to write, and today as I type these words memories of that day keeps reappearing in my mind. I keep comforting myself by saying that some things are meant to be short and precise but that does not, in any way change the way you feel about people or yourself. From my experience I have learnt one thing, two actually. Firstly, to not cling on to people who do not value you as a person and second being to never compromise my self respect. In these five years I have witnessed my growth as a person, and it’s surprising to realize how I have been there for myself, when nobody actually bothered to even ask me how I was. Lastly quoting Mariah Carey-“"It's a long road when you face the world alone, when no one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within your soul, and the emptiness you felt will disappear."

Whose Fault is it anyway??

“I remember falling off the road while walking, with a sudden thud. My friend tried to catch hold of me but it was already too late, too late for me choose a different lane or even think of standing up for myself. He did what he had to and within a snap of a second that scum of a guy was gone. He almost vanished into the thin air after scarring me for life.”

As a fourteen year old I was clueless about my next move. “Should I report to the police or talk to my mom first?”-I wondered. But due to a sudden upturn of events I ended up doing nothing really to make myself feel better. Letting my mom know about it would mean that she would become sad and over protective about me which I obviously did not want. And the police possibly could have ignored me as a precocious little chap, trying to make my presence felt. So, I tried to forget about that incident. Although I failed miserably, some questions came up which made me try and see things in a different light altogether.

In spite of being a hardcore feminist I tried to think about the person who allegedly tried to take advantage of my situation. Somehow I felt that there is a story behind the making every accused, every criminal. I mean think about it, even the ones who proclaim that they do “It” just for fun must have their own reasons to invade someone’s personal space. Anything or anyone like a super nagging ex-girlfriend who never really liked him and chose someone else over him because he just wasn’t “Man” enough. The guy is enraged and because he can’t obviously do anything to change the past he goes and abuses a random girl to prove that himself to someone who obviously doesn’t give a damn anyways. The role of the girlfriend is passed on to family members (brother, mother, father) or a “Close” buddy from time to time. However although no one notices, the extent of damage caused is beyond measure. And the only justified way of taking all that anger and frustration out is to harm an unknown person whose life just never remains the same again. In the end, No one really cares, except for the guy who does not regret his decision but is not happy either. The girl cries her way to sleep wakes up in the middle of the night and does not feel at ease with a male company for a long time (even if it does not show on her face).

So what could possibly be the solution or is there any solution at all? If we were to stop this thing, the initiative must begin at a nascent stage but mostly we are not in control of the kind of people we meet and who influence us (knowingly or unknowingly). Let’s face it, we humans are not even remotely close to perfect, we let the wrong people hurt us and after that we don’t know what to do. However, it does not mean that we can’t try. I am not saying that self control comes easy but it is worth the effort. If we start reciprocating hatred then what is the need of commitments and relationships anyways? Lastly we should take chances, in love, life and relationships and try and forgive people no matter what their fault is. “To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

About the Blogger Finally!!

One of my friends pointed out a few days back that my blog kind of talks about everything but me. He said that people might be really eager to know about the one who has been blabbering around, well yeah, but has not really taken out the time (!) to talk about herself.

Firstly, I am extremely romantic. I know every teenager tends to make this stereotypical comment but I am seriously one heck of an emotional fool. I really do think that love can make miracles happen. I really do believe that feeding a stray dog makes my day. I love children and I would want to own a horse someday. I don’t really listen to music that much, but the songs I love, I know them by heart. I can’t dance for nuts, I mean seriously even a grasshopper would swing his arms and legs better. Even as an eighteen year girl (lady, WOO-man, teenager, *blah*) I love it when someone pulls my cheeks (although I don’t show it). I feel as if I am back to being a child again. At times, I end up speaking nonsense about people I don’t even know properly. Stuff like that can really make you guilty but realization always strikes late in my case, so much so that in 9 out of 10 cases I end up not talking to the person ever after. If I hate someone it shows on my face and I really suck at pretending or lying. Either I end up laughing or I get caught inevitably. If I am hurt by my friend’s action, I always prefer to make it clear that I don’t like what’s happening even at the cost of being misunderstood. Repetitive but yes I love love. I love the fact that when you are really into someone who stand by that person no matter what. I am okay with someone falling in and out of love because I would rather have my to be husband come and discuss his infidelity issues with me than anyone else. I am very forgiving only and only when the other person is honest with me. Some of my friends have issues being liked by a guy whose feelings they fear to reciprocate. I personally don’t see the point in refraining from what we would really want to do. Should melancholy stop us from being what we want to be? Should our past haunt us every time we are trying to take an initiative? I know it’s easier said than done but prevention is never the cure.

Anyways getting back to what I was talking about, I would want to /love to become a writer someday. Someone whose prose may not be the most popular one but it is something which almost everyone can connect to and draw inspiration from. I want to take my parents on a world tour because they love travelling. I hope bozo gives birth soon so that I finally become a grandma. I despise people who drink and smoke(Don't ask me why!). What else? Nothing else, I think I have written enough!Lastly-“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in life you will have been all of these.”

Just another Love story..

He was my teacher, Yes MY TEACHER. He taught me Maths but, MATHS and I kind of repel each other, so hatred came naturally when my Mom told me that I have a new tuition teacher. Okay! This person was way too different than what I had expected. He was around 6’4”, fair and too good looking to be a teacher in the first place. He had the most beautiful eyes ever but that did not help me hate him any less. Unlike most others he actually thought I was BRIGHT which irritated me further more. Although he was ten years older to me, he actually was a fun person to be around. Slowly I started confiding into him, things even my girlfriends did not know about me. It just came naturally you see. In a few months or so he knew about almost everything I knew about myself. I told him how I never got dates in High School because I was too good for anyone there. He knew how I had shunned myself off from people after being molested on the road once. He knew how badly I underestimated myself and gave into smoking and drinking in disgust. But one thing he did not know was how much I had started liking him and how much I would get hurt if I had to lose him to someone else.

Then came the day when he said that he could not teach me anymore as he was getting married and was shifting to someplace else. For a few days I was so filled with shock that I could not respond to anything happening around me. I skipped my university exams and drowned myself in booze. I was so drunk that I actually ended up being physical with a guy only to realize that after two months that I was pregnant. I felt that may be a baby would help people take me a bit more seriously but unfortunately that was never to happen. The person who supposedly was in LOVE with me denied to accept the child and told me to get him aborted. I threatened him by saying that if he did not do as I say; I will go straight to his parents.
It was My SIR’s wedding day and my mom told me to be back in time so that we can attend it. It was around seven at night when I was walking towards home, crying terribly wondering what I should do next. And then it happened, A jeep stopped right in front of me and before I knew anything I was amongst a bunch of hooligans who were tearing apart my clothes. Within moments I was naked in front of five strangers who took turns to rape me. There came a moment when I just could not cry anymore. I never lost my consciousness and I lay there numb and helpless. After a few hours when they were done with me they grabbed my hands and legs and pushed me outside the running car. I lay on the side of the road with my mind filled with more bruises than my scarred body. All I knew was that I wanted to die right there. I had caused enough shame to everyone and I did not deserve to live anymore……

I was awakened by water drops which fell on my cheeks. I opened my eyes and wondered whether it a dream I was seeing. My Sir was sitting beside me still dumbfounded with shock. He did not get married because of his father’s untimely death which is why my mother decided to bother him with the fact that I had not come home yet. A grown up man was crying in front of me and inspite of my bodily pain.I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
“Its Ok”-I said
“No its Not OK, It is just not ok, Do you get that?”-he shouted

He started sobbing once again as he picked up my lifeless self and drove me to the nearby hospital. My mother had fainted when she came to know of my condition and my father had not spoken for a month. I had specifically told that I wanted no visitors, especially not my parents because they can never bear to see me this way. But in spite of my pleas Rajeev (My Sir) came to see me. He sat there endlessly holding my hand and crying off and on. The child had to be aborted and the doctors had confirmed that I could not become a MOTHER again. Also he had serious doubts where I could walk in the near future. Life was bad but at least I had come to terms with it now. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, I had no clue how I would ever look into my parent’s eyes but somehow such excruciating pain made me braver. What I still could not understand is why Rajeev came to meet me every day. He read to me, brought flowers and his eyes never seemed to leave mine. I finally ended up asking him-“You know you really don’t have to waste your time by coming here everyday”
“Who says I waste my time?”
“I think you do”
“No, I don’t, but you still don’t get it do you?”
“Get what?”
“That I know I am responsible for your condition now”
“What the...I mean NO...You are NOT…You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE..”
“Tell me honestly, were you ever in Love with me?”
“I..umm..I…DUH?”
“I know I was…I mean I am.”
I could not believe my ears.
“You..Me? You liked me? Why did you not tell me before?”
“My parents had fixed my marriage to a girl when I had turned eighteen. And..”
“You need not explain I understand, I mean I seriously do understand. You are free to marry whomever you want. It is your life ya”.
“If that is the case, then will you marry me?”
“Whaa…I mean No, never. Stop pitying me, I will stand on my own two feet, I don’t mean literally but still”
“I am not marrying because you might need me, I am marrying because I know I need you and I can’t live without you”
“Look YOU DON’T NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME. I can’t walk, I can never be a mother, and I can never be NORMAL again!”-I almost yelled out
“I was your teacher, and that is why I never told you about my feelings. Do you even realize the fact that one does not need reasons to like or not like a person, because Love just happens”-he replied quietly.
“I don’t know what to say. Look I am too plain..I am ugly…..”…..he put his hand on my mouth and made me swear that I will never say that again.

What does it mean to truly love someone? What does it mean to be there for a person no matter what? I don’t know, because I have never loved someone the way Rajeev loves me. For the past twenty five years he has been struggling to make ends meet, he has changed Jobs, we have changed houses but he never gave me a chance to complain. He takes me to new places; we go for walks (me on the wheelchair), try out new food and even go to the supermarket together. He helped me finish off with college and has been encouraging me to write a novel ever since. But when I started, I could not think of anything but my life and his, how unceremoniously we met but how we managed to have a life together. So this book is an autobiography, of my life, the life of a girl who was nothing extraordinary but is thankful for everything that has happened to her, because those were the things which made me become a better person today. Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart. The entire crowd started clapping after I finished my speech. It was my first book launch with my husband being the first one to buy the book….and now when I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

How Fair is FAIR??

Is your skin’s melanin content remotely associated with your confidence level or your individuality for that matter? Ask the people from Fair and Lovely and they will tell you better. It has been a couple of decades since when such cosmetics have been brought into the market just to encash on people’s emotions and to convince them that just a mere change in complexion will provide them with the qualities they were supposedly devoid of.

The obvious question remains that does our social framework has anything to do with the kind of notions which develop in our minds regarding the advertisement of a particular product? And if the answer is yes, then how does it bring about such a radical change? The concept of fairness has struck a chord with the Indian population ever since the times when the British ruled over India. On being insulted day in and day out, something led us to believe that may be if we were fairer, our adaptability and popularity would increase amongst our rulers. But that was quite unlikely the case as Indians still continue to be treated unjustly in abroad on similar grounds. More often than not, the Fair and Lovely ads are quite stereotypical which mostly shows a girl trying to impress a boy but fails miserably as she is not beautiful. Then comes a miraculous fairness cream which takes away all her problems and gets her the boy as well. This girl is the “supposed” embodiment of every Indian woman but sadly fairness is not a synonym for beauty; it never was and never will. These advertisements have affected the Indian population so much so that every single matrimonial ad has the word FAIR as an important criterion. These days such products have been even brought out for males to emphasize on the fact that we are never happy with what we have. But does a minor change in skin colour actually help us climb up to the upper notches of the social ladder. Does it keep us happy for the rest of our lives or provide us with the much needed social security?

As Bob Dylan has once said-“The answer is blowing in the wind”. One might say, it’s not me, it is the society but it is the little drops of water which makes the mighty ocean. Americans may be fond of a tan and Indians might be obsessed with white skin but that should not, in any way stop us from being what we want to be. A commodity might be hugely popular but that should not interfere in your process of growing up. Social structures are made and broken but it affects our line of thinking which remains the same forever. I would like to end by saying that a society inspires the media to function the way it does ensuring that certain ideologies never go out of people’s mind. Mere discussions won’t help as we need to take this forward. Quoting George Gillespie -“Reformation ends not in contemplation, but in action.”

Anjaana Anjaani

An effort to explore the both sides of a coin.......

BOY:

I remember rushing out of Rajeev’s Apartment in anger but I still don’t remember why I was in such a mood.I was dead drunk trying to make my way to my PG at the dead of the night. I was so stoned that I could barely walk. Before I could realize I stumbled and tripped across the subway stairs. I don’t really recollect what happened next……
I was blinded by scorching white light when I first opened my eyes and it was then I first saw her. She was too plain to even be a nurse. Her hair was neatly tied and her face was pale. She was nowhere close to kind of girls I dated and there was this look in her eyes, a look of concern and that of anxiety which made me feel alive inspite of all the body pain which held me to the hospital bed. She used to come every day, bring me flowers and cards which she made herself. We talked about a lot of things apart from ourselves which is why I don’t even know her name. I longingly waited for her on the day of my release but she was nowhere to be seen. All I got was a note of her saying-“It was a pleasure knowing you. Keep safe and take good care of yourself.”…………….

GIRL:

All I knew was that I had never seen anything so beautiful. All I knew that he was in pain and needs immediate help. I remember begging for help in order to take him to the hospital. It was not before an hour and half when I finally succeeded in my endeavour. I came everyday to see him. I remember touching his wounds in anguish, I remember flinching in his sleep. His entire face was bruised but he still managed to look divine. Inspite of being in intense agony he was an epitome of hope in my lonely life. For an entire week I spend most of time sitting beside his hospital watching him go to sleep. I felt that if he was by my side nothing could ever go wrong.
It was not before the day of his release that reality struck me. I was not some college cheerleader or the daughter of a millionaire….I was not even the kind of girl, a guy would introduce to his friends. I was just plain and reserved and nothing changes that…Not even the prospect of new found love. I knew that I was not strong enough to stand against a heartbreak….I knew that I could never curb anyone’s existence just because I could not get used to changes.
And so I left. His image comes back to me off and on to make me realize that love is not always about a lifetime of togetherness but about certain moments. Moments which keep you alive, moments which tell you to never give up on love come what may……I still hope that I will get to see him someday but then again the course of love never did run smooth, and never will.